Thank God Some Folks Have No Stress

From my Facebook timeline.

Is the Spirit of "Occupy" Dead?

Is the Spirit of “Occupy” Dead?

For months we have all been inundated with news stories about the “Occupy Wall Street” movement. Since its inception, it has branched out all around the world and taken on names such as Occupy Austin, San Francisco, Seattle, New Orleans, Berlin, Sydney, Melbourne, Limerick… and so on. Lately may of the protesters have moved out of their thrown-together camps, likely having succumbed to boredom, or the cold, or most likely, a sense of futility. 

There are still some hangers-on, though, as evidenced by this article from Ireland. The title is what made me want to read it (as well as a personal connection with the author). “Ireland’s Spirit Is Just Dead.” No doubt those words echo the feelings of many who have succumbed to boredom or futility. In the five or six months since this Occupy business started, not much has changed, has it? Not achieving any of their requests after six months might make one feel that the spirit of their people is "just dead."

Why hasn't the world changed? A friend, an Occupy sympathizer, showed me what might pass for a manifesto of the Occupiers. Their objectives are so broad and system-shaking that when faced with the practical aspect of the revolution they require, the mind boggles at the breadth of it. Did they really expect that the world would be converted to a renewable fuel infrastructure in a few months? Or that the economic system would outlaw credit reporting agencies overnight? Or that the world’s countries would suddenly simply ignore their own borders (especially countries like China, Syria, North Korea, Iran or Afghanistan)? In the current scheme of things, such a revolution would take decades to orchestrate, even if the entire world were on board with the whole thing.

Many feel a love-hate sympathy for the Occupiers. As the Irish article points out, there’s about a fifty-fifty sympathy for and against the Occupiers. Even I applaud their lofty ideas, but have grown so sick of hearing about Occupy This and Occupy That that I’ve intentionally avoided reading or watching anything to do with the movement. Perhaps you have too. The clearest reason for the negativity is the way the protesters have been going about it. How exactly will sitting around a makeshift camp lamenting the lack of jobs create jobs? How will whining about the “economic inequality” of the world make everyone’s incomes more equal? Quite simply, it won’t.

So how should the Occupiers go about with their earth-shattering changes? Rest assured, sitting around what is basically a hobo camp won’t do it. After much thoughtful irritation, it dawns on me that perhaps the most annoying aspect of the movement is that the Occupy people keep complaining about the way things are, but don’t seem to be doing anything about it. I mean really doing something. If your house is a mess, even if you didn’t mess it up, complaining about the mess won’t clean it up. Only you picking up trash, scrubbing the floors and counters and cleaning the laundry and dishes will clean it. A pain in the ass? Of course it is! But that’s life. Likewise, complaining about the mess others have created in the world won’t clean it up. Those that created the mess - the bankers, the government, the corporations, the oil companies - don’t have to clean it up. It works fine for them just the way it is. Occupiers can make noble-sounding, high-minded quotes all they want, but it won’t help. No, like the one who had to clean up his house that was a mess, the Occupiers need to make the world the way they think it should be - by doing it themselves. 

Get a job as a teller at that bank you hate. Move up the chain until you’re in a position to make the change you think needs to be made.

Run for office. Maintain your ideals (because really, when was the last time a public official was "in it" for the benefit of the public, rather than for themselves?). Make the changes you think need to made there. Run for a higher office. Repeat. 

Go get a degree as an engineer. Invent a way to make renewable fuels the standard. Become CEO of the oil company and refocus their business on what you think it should be. 

Keep in touch with your Occupy friends and continue to coordinate your plans until the world is better. The infrastructure is there to do so. Occupy has used Twitter, texting, email, cell phones and so on to coordinate their protests. Make certain that none of you become corrupted with wealth and power (ah! That's the tricky part, isn't it?) Sure, all that will take decades to accomplish. But it would take decades anyway, as we mentioned. Does all that sound like a pain in the ass? Well, it is! But, as we said, that’s life. 

You see, the thing that sticks in people’s craw about Occupy isn’t so much the way things are or the way things should be, it’s that the Occupy people want someone else to fix the problems they want fixed instead of doing it themselves. Is the spirit of Ireland dead? Or the spirit of America or Australia or Japan or England or whatever? No! Clearly it isn’t, since vociferous people like the Occupiers are trying to make themselves heard. But will they take the example of our forefathers, who established this country and our freedoms by doing what they thought was right themselves? America and its freedom, its ingenuity, its spirit and its people come from a group of people who saw that the status quo was wrong, as do the cultures of many other countries, like Ireland. Instead of complaining to the media and the internet, they themselves created a new way of life for the country. It wasn’t easy, and yes, it took decades and yes, it was a pain in the ass. But it was done and gives the world a shining example of how to make the world a better place.

Is the spirit of Ireland dead? Is America’s spirit dead? Or anywhere the Occupy movement has taken root? If those Occupiers, themselves, do nothing to right the wrongs they perceive and wait for someone else to clean up the mess, then yes, that spirit is dead. And no camp or protest or movement will resurrect it. 

Don’t complain about anything you’re not willing to do something about yourself. No matter how much of a pain in the ass it is.

Bow Down Before Me Or I Will Sit On You

Dear World:
You are fat. You are also thin. I’m somewhere in between, not a monstrous blob of couch potato, but neither svelte, lithe, lean or skinny. I walk the tightrope between the two. And I’m not sure where to go next. You keep confusing me, World.

We constantly hear about the perils of obesity. It leads to diabetes, high blood pressure, stroke, heart attack, muumuus and lederhosen. The First Lady leads a task force to combat childhood obesity. I can’t watch TV or internet videos without seeing ads for cosmetic surgery to get rid of fat. I know many people who have had lap bands, gastric bypasses, roux-en-y and other operations to make them lose weight. In popular culture, “weight loss” has become synonymous with “healthy,” even though medically the two are really only in-laws by relationship. In some cities I’ve visited, when strangers become acquainted one of the first questions asked in the conversation is “Which gym do you work out at?” Whole lifestyles have evolved around weight-loss diets. In fact, most weight-loss programs promote themselves as a “lifestyle change.” People are even made to feel bad if they comment admiringly on a fat little baby’s chubby cheeks. We need to be thinner, obesity is the enemy.

With that being said, no, pounded into my head at every turn, it confuses me when I see articles like this one. Two fat women were prevented from boarding a flight. That goes with our current cultural psyche, right? They’re not thin and can’t fit between the 17-inch armrests, so they should be made to purchase an extra seat, right? I KNOW you’ve had this conversation before, especially those of you who have had a particularly rotund seatmate on a long flight. That’s all very straightforward and correct with the country’s view of obesity. But then an airline supervisor countermanded an entire nation’s efforts and opinions on obesity and let them fly. More than that, a Southwest Airlines executive groveled before the fat ladies and apologized and offered free travel vouchers so they could crowd up another plane. The ladies had an "embarrassing" 45 minute debate at the airport regarding their size. The details of the focus of the embarrassment weren't clear, because I doubt their weight was a big secret before the debate. One of the fat ladies says in the article that “The sensitivity level needs to change.”

I’m so confused! We rail against fat and obesity and inactivity, but then we bend over backward to accommodate the obese? Ambulances are constructed specifically to fit obese folks. Sofa-sized wheelchairs, “big boy” hospital beds, bariatric toilets are all constructed for the people who everyone else says shouldn’t be. I even found the “long reach comfort wipe” for folks whose arms can’t reach all the way to their butt.

So which is it, World? Is obesity to be accommodated or combatted? Are we supposed to encourage “health” and “weight loss” by forbidding the obese to travel by conventional means and pointing them in the direction of the nearest cosmetic surgery clinic or weight loss program? Or should we be cowering before their ponderous bulk by diverting energy and resources to make everything bigger for them because our “sensitivity” needs to change? Either way, I’m game. But pick a camp and stand in it, World.

I’m so confused.

Good Riddance

So, Osama Bin Laden is dead. About time. Watching the videos of the celebrations outside the White House and in New York was reminiscent of images from V-J Day. The news gave America a sense of accomplishment, a feeling which I dare say has been sorely lacking in recent decades. The last thing closest to it was maybe the landing of the Spirit rover on Mars. Before that, the first space shuttle flight, the release of the hostages in Iran in 1980, the first moon landing and JFK’s presidency. It seems that such a moment comes once a decade. So I’m happy for my country. 

There are those who naysay the victory celebrations, such as this simpleton: http://to.ly/afb4 Yes, yes I know it’s better to take the moral high ground and contemplate Bin Laden’s death in solemnity and mature reflection, but you know what? Fuck that. The United States has spent the greater part of recent years apologizing for whatever and taking the moral high ground on various issues, swayed by pundits and “celebrities” with their inane ideas against the death penalty or eating meat or wearing fur or against seeking retribution against the attacks of 9/11. To those that seek a quiet meditation session on Bin Laden’s death, fine, do whatever you want. But for those of us that felt the horror and indescribable sadness of 9/11/2001, as we watched our families, firefighters, police and friends perish in that catastrophe which Bin Laden masterminded, not to mention the many murders by him and his henchmen in this and many other countries, and viewed the footage of Al Qaeda sympathizers rubbing salt in our wounds by celebrating the 9/11 attacks, don’t chastise us for appreciating the blood of a man who had no motives for killing thousands other than the desire to see their deaths. In addition, Osama Bin Laden and his cronies wanted to kill you too, dear naysayer. So we will have our blood moment, like it or not. 

Now, one thing which puzzles me is the breathtaking haste with which Bin Laden was buried at sea. It took nearly ten years from the events of 9/11 and the serious start of the epic manhunt for him until Twitter, Facebook and news channels exploded with the news about Bin Laden’s death. I first got word of it around 9:45pm on May 1st. Yet it only took four hours to get the news he was buried at sea already; I heard that news at around 2am on May 2nd. Does anything about that seem fishy? (Pardon the pun.)

Though the circumstances are completely different, a comparison between the death of Osama Bin Laden and Saddam Hussein can barely be helped. We all saw videos of his execution, the confirmation of his death and the verification that the man found in the “spiderhole” and the man at the gallows was indeed Saddam Hussein. There was no doubt. But with Bin Laden, there was no visual confirmation, no videos of his body, no pictures of doctors analyzing his DNA, no coverage of the burial at sea. We’re just expected to take someone’s word that he was killed and buried. Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t doubt he is dead and buried. That some Muslim clerics are pissed off about the method of his burial confirms that he is, in fact, dead. And I don’t mind that there aren’t any actual, legitimate photos of him dead and buried. After all, people had to be content with simple reports and text newspapers about world events before the advent of photography. But photography has been around for a good while now, and our world is steeped in visual coverage of everything from huge, earth-shaking events to ridiculous video blogs on YouTube of sorority girls’ latest shopping trips. But not of Osama Bin Laden? This, along with the unbelievable speed with which his burial was carried out makes me say "WTF?" Something is rotten in Denmark. Actually, in Pakistan.

At any rate, congratulations to the soldiers who got him, and congrats to America and the world. Keep it going.

Thwarted: Government Plot to Assign Money and Representation to Its Citizens!

According to this article, New Orleans’ census is down by ELEVEN PERCENT from what it should be. As the story says, our current population is now the same as what it was forty years ago, in 1970! Now, as anyone who actually lives in New Orleans can tell you, the population of the Greater New Orleans Area is really at least as high as it was pre-Katrina. Traffic around town is a worse nightmare than it’s ever been, with even more idiotic drivers encountered than before August 29, 2005. True, there are still plenty of abandoned properties, but in terms of the number of people one actually sees around town, the population seems pretty much where it was pre-K, if not more. And no, I haven’t conducted my own scientific research to determine this. I’m only stating what anyone else around this city can also tell you.

The topic of scientific research brings me to my point. As many heard last year, there was great uproar about government “intrusion” into our personal lives. Many protested in the only way they knew how. No, not by shouting and demonstrating and defying tanks, like in Egypt or Tianamen Square. They defied the government by refusing to do paperwork. Yes, many of us recall the outrage that was fueled by the most insidious, dark and evil intrusion into our lives the world has ever seen: the U.S. Census.

Thanks to those citizens who stuck to the moral high ground and refused to kowtow to probing by the government’s shadowy agents and black helicopters, our city will now lose untold millions of dollars that could have been used for street repair, education, food assistance, city planning, emergency services, public spaces, medical clinics and neighborhood development. Thank you so much, ever-vigilant fellow citizens, for enabling our already third-world community to sink even farther into the nether regions of a backwater economy.

Many at the time of the 2010 Census cried “Intrusion!” and “Invasion of privacy!” and “Communism!” when those red and white forms arrived in their mailboxes (“Red! Just like the Commies!”). Those forthright and sensible citizens refused to fill the forms out and when the sweet little old ladies and soft-spoken gentlemen came by to gather the missing information, those same citizens saw to it that their requests for information went unanswered. Some old lady and gentleman census-takers may have been literally thrown out on their ear at the intrusion. The defiant householders then sat at their dinner tables, self-satisfied at their own actions, all taken in the name of Freedom.

Thanks to you, Louisiana is one of the states that will lose representation in the U.S. House of Representatives and its share of federal revenues because of its “decreased” population. How do “they” know what our population is? BY THE CENSUS! How do “they” know how much money should be allocated to our state and city? BY THE CENSUS!

For those that claim the 2010 census was an invasion of your privacy, let it be known that the census has been taken every ten years for two hundred and twenty years since 1790. It is nothing new! Didn’t you learn about this in high school? I clearly remember learning about the census in civics class in eleventh grade. Does it invade your privacy? I spoke to my census-taker, a kindly, white-haired gentleman about 65 years of age, who wanted to know if I lived at this address and if anyone else lived here. He didn’t ask for my phone number or my social security number or how many credit cards I had or what my favorite sexual position was or the color of the bullets in my guns. He didn’t even ask my name. Nor did he even accept a glass of iced tea I offered. He just wanted to know how many people there were.

How is this an invasion of privacy? For what possible use could there be for this information besides what the census is specifically designed to do, namely, determine the population? For those of you that would ascribe ulterior motives to the U.S. Census, such as finding out secret information that could be used against you, allow me to relate a story. After Hurricane Katrina, I applied for FEMA assistance. In the online application, it gave you a “quiz” to determine that I was indeed who I said I was. It was a multiple-choice quiz with five questions. “Which of the following was your previous…?” The government, specifically FEMA, knew exactly what my phone number was when I was a child, 40 years ago! They knew who my former roommate was from 25 years before. They knew my address from ten years earlier! They knew what kind of car I had driven in 1988. NONE of that information came from any census form!

If you’re worried about “government intrusion,” believe me, it’s too late to worry about that. Every detail of your life is stored away in some database somewhere already. Filling out the census is not going to make the life intrusion any deeper. Of all the dark and insidious ways the government can surreptitiously gather information on your persaonal life, the census is NOT one of them. Judging by the information acquired by the census form, not only is it the most innocuous form of official fact-finding, it is impossible to imagine that the information could ever be used for any purpose other than the stated intent - to gauge the number of people.

So to all you folks who refused to participate in the 2010 Census, thanks for your diligence in keeping our city and state in the third-world backwoods where you clearly feel it belongs. Just don’t complain when the pothole in front of your house doesn’t get fixed. Or when your kid doesn’t learn about the importance of the census because there weren’t enough teachers.

Just in case you didn’t get it by now, if you didn’t participate in the census, you’re a fucking idiot.

Ne'er the Twain Shall Meet, Nor Would He Want To

Oh America, you slay me!

Today’s episode of ranklement comes from the news that Alan Gribben of Auburn University wants to edit (read: “censor”) Mark Twain’s classic novel “Huckleberry Finn” to remove the word “nigger” and replace it with “slave” or some such nonsense. 

This doesn’t bug me. Re-writing literature is nothing new. As far back as the days of Jesus Christ, Hebrew scribes censored the Bible (or Torah, technically) so that God’s name “Jehovah” or “Yahweh”  wouldn’t appear out of superstition that it was too sacred to utter. More recently, people have downplayed the events of the Holocaust. How many businesses edit their accounting books for personal gain? Basically, people wanting to re-write history or literature is not surprising. I’m only surprised that it’s taken this long for the apologists to get around to Huck Finn.

My real point is this: the Internet is flaming with people up in arms about this new edition of the book. Thousands, if not millions, are outraged that they want to take the word “nigger” out of classic literature. What kills me is that these same people that are on their soapbox about censorship refuse to use the word “nigger” themselves, even though they’re only quoting Twain, not trying to use it as a slur.

Here are a couple of screen caps from Twitter showing what I mean:

Replacing the word “nigger” with “N word” does nothing to lessen the word’s impact. Instead, such folks are hiding behind a veil of hypocrisy. 

Are you censoring yourself and your own right of free speech while lambasting those who would censor? This is the very definition of hypocrisy. Further, you are only giving strength to the cause you are protesting. 

Where does it end? Will we censor every “offensive” word, picture, film and pamphlet, hiding behind the guise of not wanting to “offend?” Do you want to live in that monotone beige world? I don’t. America, quit being a bunch of pathetic crybabies and act the way those that fought for your right to say what needs to be said wanted you to. Mark Twain did.

PS- Here's a YouTube link where the comedian describes this quite succinctly (and hilariously): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zuLrBLxbLxw Credit to @dubtea on the Twitters.

Mind In the Gutter

So a recent incident in town has me rankled. Yesterday, eight youths perished in a fire. The news describes them as “homeless.” Upon deeper research, it becomes apparent that the dead were part of a subculture commonly referred to in New Orleans as “gutter punks.” It is tragic that eight young folks died, and all the more so because their deaths could have been avoided.

“Yes!” I hear you cheer. “It’s a shame that the city isn’t doing more to help these poor, homeless young people!” I can picture you lamenting over your breakfast latte and muffin top. “Those poor people were the victims of an uncaring city!”

No, they weren’t.

Having had many, many interactions with members of the gutter punk subculture, allow me to reveal the real reason of why eight tragic deaths were completely avoidable. Those scruffy, unwashed “homeless” waifs (and their dogs) you step over on the sidewalks of the French Quarter are as far removed from the “homeless” you find at the Ozanam Inn or the New Orleans Mission as those same homeless are from the Southern Yacht Club. They are not down on their luck, impoverished or abused. In twenty years of EMS, I’ve picked up a LOT of gutter punks in my ambulance. The process of running an emergency call and the conversation carried on in the back of the truck affords numerous opportunities to get a pretty clear picture of any particular cross-section of the population. Here are my findings.

Extraordinarily few are local kids. In twenty years of collecting punks from the gutter, I have yet to meet one who was born and raised in New Orleans. Their points of origin are wide and varied, but heavily weighted towards the Northeast. Upon examining their reasons for choosing New Orleans as their preferred destination, apparently it is because New Orleans is well known for the gutter punk “scene” (interesting cycle, eh?). These kids aren’t leaving behind a life of abuse and squalor only to find themselves saddled with a different flavor of abuse and squalor here. No, gutter punks, by and large, come from very affluent, privileged families. And from the information I’ve gleaned, I don’t mean families that are hiding a terrible secret, like incest or beatings or a dead hooker buried in the yard. They come from families where the parents are often still happily married or at least financially successful. On numerous occasions I’ve asked my gutter punk patient “What’s your parents’ phone number?” as part of my report, and the answer was “The phone number to which house? Our house in Manhattan or our summer place in Martha's Vineyard/The Hamptons/Palm Beach?” Upon searching for identification for a patient, I’ve come across countless “platinum,” "diamond” and “black” credit cards (you know, the cards that have no credit limit in sight) with mummy or daddy’s name on them.

So why the “homelessness?” Apparently it’s a big adventure coupled with a rebellious outlook, typical of the teens-to-twenties psyche. Whereas many of us would be happy to fulfill this worldview with a backpacking trip around Europe or Asia, these folks find its fulfillment in living amongst the casual friends, abandoned hovels and handouts that are apparently so abundant in the Big Easy. And apparently there are certain social etiquettes that are required in this culture. The obvious ones are the dirty clothes, unwashed bodies and prevalence of tattoos and piercings. I asked a personal friend, something of a reformed gutter punk, why they eschewed soap and water. Apparently the act of bathing is somehow equated with “the establishment,” which is roundly rejected among the gutter punks. The equivalency of personal hygiene with the mainstream socio-political-cultural image of the general population escapes me, but I’m not one to judge another’s idea of disestablishmentarianism. I merely report. But expand this mentality to fulfilling rent, or doing laundry or (gasp) the evil of paying taxes and perhaps you get an idea of the thinking within those dreadlocked skulls. Surely, though, a comparison could be made to these young folks and the hippies’ communes of the sixties, or even the hobo camps of the Great Depression, which eventually was romanticized in song and screen. “The establishment” seems to be an anchoring phrase between the generations. With such a long history of rebellion against “the establishment,” is it any wonder that today’s young folks choose to conform to traditional non-conformist ways?

Therefore it is pointless to complain that The City That Care Forgot forgot to care. These young folks that chose to brave their way by living on its streets is not a situation for which City Hall can establish an office to “help.” Build all the shelters you want; gutter punks will not come. Offer all the assistance centers you want; the gutter punks’ parents are probably your investors. Those youths want to continue to live out their big adventure, with all its inherent risks and dangers. And I’m not railing against the gutter punks, either; I certainly understand the appeal of going against the system (though I do enjoy a decent shower). But while it is a shame that eight young people died in a fire, please don’t blame it on my city.

Is Christine O'Donnell a Witch?

There's only one way to find out the truth: if she weighs the same as a duck... A WITCH!

How To Be A Pain In the Ass In the Hospital

So here’s a fascinating little tidbit from CBS News: How Not to Die in the Hospital. As a critical care nurse, I feel especially qualified to comment on the hilarity that ensues with the perusal of this article when compared to real life.  Let’s discuss each recommendation step by step, shall we?

The first two pages discuss the terrible possibility that you may die if you’re in the hospital. This is true. I’ve seen patients die unnecessarily myself. No arguments here. The vast majority of complications from hospital stays, however, do not involve death. Most patients have pain or vomiting or diarrhea, at worst. They may have a bad hospital experience, but in the end, they get better. Sorry for the un-fun visit, but you’re better. Mission accomplished.

Page three talks about hand washing. “If you do not see your clinician wash their hands, ask,” Dr. Pronovost recommends. Very good idea, Doc. In all my years as a clinician, I have had exactly two patients bother to ask if I had washed my hands. I had, but was happy to do so again right in front of them. In both cases, the patients who were so concerned with my hands didn’t give a hoot about their family members who came to visit them and touched not only their skin, but the IV’s, central lines, wound dressings and whatever else was attached to them. Big signs that say “CONTACT PRECAUTIONS - DO NOT ENTER THIS ROOM WITHOUT A GOWN AND GLOVES”  and protective equipment located right outside a patient’s room are summarily ignored by the dozens of visitors encrusted in God-knows-what filth they’ve brought from the outside world. Patients don't mind if their visitors slobber all over them after they've just arrived from a cholera party, but God forbid if a staff member didn't wash their hands for the three hundredth time that shift.

On page four of the article I find it hysterical that patients are encouraged to ask if they still need the breathing tube (speaking is a physical impossibility with one). But their point is the possible route of infection from catheters and other invasive devices. Here’s the thing: old people are more likely to be in the hospital. When they get that catheter, it’s like a godsend to them. They don’t have to get out bed to pee, they’re dry & comfy. They beg for the catheter to remain. If the mean ol’ nurse has the nerve to remove said catheter, they still don’t want to get out of bed and pee all over themselves and get bedsores from the constant moisture. So you’re damned if you do, damned if you don’t.

Page five recommends you stay at least at a thirty degree angle if you’re on a ventilator. Agreed, this is very necessary to prevent pneumonia! Can you please explain that to the family members that go all willy-nilly with the bed positioning controls and keep laying their loved ones flat “because it doesn’t seem real comfortable sitting up like that”? 

On page six, they recommend easing anxiety or pain without being sedated. Um, you DO realize that ALL anti-anxiety medications have sedative properties, right? And, um, except for Tylenol and NSAIDS, all narcotic pain meds are sedating to some degree, ya know? Further, rare is the patient who does NOT want the absolute strongest medications in their highest possible dose. Most patients with “chronic pain” have already hardened their nervous systems with constant prescription narcotics at home so that even ridiculous doses that would tranquilize a stampeding elephant have no effect on them. We could shoot uncut heroin directly into their brains and they’d beg for more.

Page seven - the “specialist” page! Lemme tell ya - if you’re in the ICU, you have a specialist. In fact, you probably have so many specialists, that the doctors and nurses aren’t sure whom to call if there’s a question about your care. Did you have a stroke, but now you have an infection? The conversation outside of your room probably goes like this: “Hi, Doctor Smith? The stroke patient in room 6 also has the flu. What do you want to do? Call the Infectious Disease specialist? OK. *Ring* Hello, Dr. Brown, the stroke patient in room 6 has the flu and Dr. Smith asked that I call you... You’re not a stroke specialist? I know...but... what? Call the patient’s primary care doctor? Well, you see, his doctor is in Bumfuck, Egypt and... *Click*... hello? Hello?” Also, with the chronic shortage of beds and staff in hospitals, you may be in the ICU simply because they had an open bed, not because you need intensive care, and with the staffing problems facing hospitals, your nurse (or doctor[s]) may well be right out of school, ink still drying on their diploma. So good luck with that.

Page eight deals with central line infections. Dunno what to tell you about that. Lots of folks have central lines and despite best practices, they still can get infected. Roll the dice.

Page nine and ten are two of my favorite pages. “The Deadly Blood Clot”! Yes they can kill or create a stroke or heart attack. TED stockings and SCD’s (sequential compression devices) help prevent them. Interestingly, about five minutes after the nurse fits the stockings over the patient’s legs and applies the SCD’s, the patient usually starts complaining that they don’t like them and take them off and it makes my legs feel hot and can you take these off... and so on. Explaining their use and the horrible consequences that they prevent falls on deaf or at least unimaginative ears. The theoretical killer blood clod seems far less important than the tight stockings and swooshing SCD’s. If they relent and leave the things on while the nurse is in the room, you can bet your bottom dollar that they’ll take them off as soon as the nurse leaves. If a visiting family member gets wind of it, they’ll hustle to take the things off themselves, then file a complaint that the nurse “wouldn’t listen” to the patient. Interestingly, the patients who don’t even need the TED’s and SCD’s, those folks who are fully mobile and reasonably healthy, are the ones most likely to keep them on.

Page eleven deals with “Drugs Gone Wrong.” Yep, it happens. One of the problems is when nurses and pharmacists have to translate SCJsjdhyt^*%nv[f written in doctor handwriting hieroglyphics into actual words. Think computerized charting will help? Guess again. The patched-together ad hoc code that most medical charting software is written in frequently crashes or inserts errors into medication names or dosages, or medications may suddenly simply disappear from your chart. Thank your nurses, who are diligent to spot errors and excel at doing so, that you actually get the medications to help you get better. So cut them a little slack if you miss a dose of brain heroin.

The last recommendation talks about communication. Ask questions, express your thoughts, get involved, blah blah blah. You want to know what most patients think of as “communication”? “I need more pain meds!” “Why can’t I have some food?” “Nurse! I just shit all over the bed!” "You guys suck!" If you carefully explain why the patient is not due for any more pain meds five minutes after heroin was injected into his brain, or why the patient whose intestines are rotting from the inside cannot have food, the response will be “But ‘they’ said I could have fried chicken/a narcotic fountain/cases of Dom Perignon. You just don’t want to be bothered with me.”

Sometimes, we don’t. We just suck.

Any Retard Can Be a Super-Brain

Ok - I’m amazed. I’m amazed that the media, the locals, university researchers and mega-intellects are stunned at the “disappearance” of BP’s oil in the Gulf of Mexico. I am even more amazed at their shock at finding the missing oil below the water’s surface. The big story this week is the discovery of untold volumes of oil drifting beneath the surface of the Gulf.

“Wait a minute,” I hear you gasp. “Oil beneath the water? Drifting along? Not on the surface?” You apparently are not alone in your astonishment. Super-mega-brainiac Christopher Reddy was equally shocked at the revelation as described in this article from NPR. “Doesn’t oil float?” he asks, echoing your incredulousness as well as that of countless other people with functioning brains.

Well, as we all know, oil does indeed float. So why is this oil not floating on the surface? What mysterious physics have turned our safe, grammar-school imagery of “lighter than water” oil on it’s metaphorical ear?

Now here is the source of MY shock: Virtually since day one of the oil spill, it has been no secret that BP has been dousing the oil with Corexit, an oil “dispersant.” We have seen numerous images of planes flying over the oil spill with tons of Corexit being dispersed upon the oil. Millions of people viewed the live camera focused on the source of the oil disaster, the spewing wellhead of the broken rig. In the foreground of every frame was the nozzle one of BP’s submersibles, spraying an unbroken stream of Corexit directly into the escaping petroleum. Panic along the gulf coast has ensued in recent weeks over the possible toxicity of the millions of gallons of Corexit that accompanies the oil.

Why am I shocked? Along with the common knowledge of the deployment of Corexit since day one, the purpose of Corexit was also announced. Corexit is a “dispersant.” It is specifically designed to make oil sink. I does not make oil disappear; it does not consume oil, it does not neutralize oil in any way. It only makes oil heavier. Any retard with a web browser can research this. Even Corexit’s manufacturer, Nalco, says exactly this. Corexit makes the oil sink below the surface of the water. Granted, it also says that the oil “biodegrades” after sinking. Also true, bacteria and other microbes MAY decide that the oil is tasty enough to feast on, thereby biodegrading it. But the Corexit itself does nothing to promote biodegrading. It merely makes the oil sink out of sight.

Brainiacs, mega-intellects, university professors, media people - WHAT PART OF THAT DID YOU MISS? The oil went nowhere, other than a few thousand feet below the surface. Why are you all shocked that the oil is floating around in the gulf beneath the surface? I can say one thing for BP, they did not lie about spraying Corexit everywhere. Since the first knowledge that the oil spill was developing, they told us, even sent us videos of Corexit fumigating the gulf. The Corexit did exactly what it was supposed to do - make the oil sink, thereby keeping it out of sight and hopefully out of mind, protecting BP’s rainbow-and-unicorns reputation.

I’m shocked and dismayed that so many fell prey to this sleight-of-hand, this tragic subterfuge that BP tried to con us with. It is as if a shell-game street con-artist told us “I’m going to hide the ball up my sleeve,” and you were still dumb enough to guess that the ball was under one of the shells! Now as those millions of barrels of oil make their way throughout one of the most vital ecosystems of the western hemisphere, it makes me wonder how many other cons slip our notice, as well as the tragic consequences in which they will result.

Survival of the Stupidest

If you’ve ever wondered what sort of stupidity medical professionals have to put up with, why they grouse and moan and bitch and complain about the idiocy with which they have to deal, why ambulance workers have such a high burn-out rate and emergency room staff have such a high stress level, this is a perfect example.

http://to.ly/56J3

This little princess shot herself in the shoulder to get “medical care” for some unclear previous shoulder problem. As you watch the video, a couple of things might stand out. How, precisely, will a gunshot wound, in addition to whatever old pre-existing problem is there, make things better? Did you suspect that an emergency department staff will attempt to fix every possible little problem you have just because you walked in the door with a flesh wound?

You complain that you can’t afford medical insurance. Sister, allow me to inquire how much money you spend on cigarettes and tattoos? Seeing as you couldn’t wait for five minutes till the interview was over to light up a fag, I imagine you have a pretty hefty tobacco budget. Here’s a hint- putting that cash toward a medical insurance premium will cover the cost, plain and simple.

Seeing as you’re so concerned with the health of your shoulder, if not the rest of your body, what’s up with leaving two open wounds exposed for every infectious agent to grab a bite? Letting your dog lick it is not exactly the gold standard of antiseptic (as I imagine you let your dog do.)

One more thing - you do realize that everywhere there are free clinics. Just waltz on in, tell them what’s wrong, and you get free care that I have the privilege of paying for from my taxes to keep your stupid ass alive. Ironically, she may serve jail time for the illegal discharge of a firearm, and guess who gets to pay for her medical care in jail? Yep, you, the taxpayer.

Do us a favor sweetheart, don’t shoot yourself in the shoulder. Do it in the head. Real soon.

2010 Hurricane Names & Predictions

2010 Hurricane names & predictions:

Alex (big hooplah, no problems),

Bonnie (tropical storm- who cares),

Colin (fizzle),

Danielle (Keys, watch out),

Earl (Gulf churner, more BP lies),

Fiona (evacuation),

Gaston (tropical storm but scary news broadcasts)

Hermine (Central America problem),

Igor (really? Igor?),

Julia (Wind damage),

Karl (fizzle),

Lisa (watch out - God's answer to the gays),

Matthew (New England) ,

Nicole (Late-season scare),

Otto (fizzle),

Paula (East Coast),

Richard (nobody realizes it exists),

Shary (oh, please!),

Tomas (never happens),

Virginie (never happens),

Walter (never happens)

Since NOLA.com deleted my comment - here it is! (You know it's good when it's deleted!)

Jazz Fest first timers- Bring tons of cash. That's just for the admission.
If you want food or water, have a friend lug tons more cash.
Scope out a sweet spot near a stage and rope it off with constantine wire. Then prepare your insults for the dirty ugly hippies and wannabe hippies that cut down your constantine wire so they could grab your spot.
Make sure to buy some souvenirs - get ugly crap that you wouldn't want your family to find when you die. It won't be hard to find. Also splurge on a poster - only like $150 for a postcard-size print.
Unless you're really, really, REALLY adventurous, poop before you go.
Even if you are that adventurous, poop before you go. (Seriously)
Bring a dictionary or thesaurus so you can find the words to describe the odor of the people next to you.
Check the schedule ahead of time for which washed-up performers who have nothing to do with Louisiana jazz or heritage are scheduled to play their music badly.
Or - find some friends having a crawfish boil or barbecue, head over there and put on some actually good jazz or Louisiana music to hear. Enjoy your friends air-conditioning. Bring beer or cocktails which will be a twentieth of the price as at Jazz Fest. When it rains, lament how you'll miss the only good entertainment at Jazz Fest, people slipping in the mud. Enjoy.

From the Journalism textbook chapter titled "You Can Make Anything Sound Like News"

Plane crash in Russia, 132 people dead including the President of Poland. This is the best news update they could come up with?

The Science of Apathy (Or Maybe the Science Fiction of Apathy)

The Science of Apathy (Or Maybe the Science Fiction of Apathy)

I love sci-fi. I love real life too. It’s always so much fun when I watch sci-fi movies about aliens and space travelers and such. They’re always trying to blend in with their disguises and their shape-shifting ways, only to be foiled by keen-eyed civilians or “the government.” Earth survives another day. Yay.

But then it comes down to real life. I’d love to believe in actual extraterrestrials. But I don’t. Why? I haven’t seen any. Nor have you. Or have we? How many times have you seen someone on the street that was just so ugly or deformed or unearthly beautiful? Did it ever cross your mind that they might be an alien? Of course not. Me neither. But here’s a fun thought: what if they are? I’m sure psychologists would say that our minds simply try to incorporate the unusual into our usual frames of reference. For example, a time-displaced caveman might refer to a helicopter as some sort of bird (remember that movie?). Likewise, we would probably just think of an alien as a different-looking human. We’d just say “Oh, they must just have Down Syndrome,” or “What a an unfortunate birth defect, having a head shaped like the Sydney opera house. She should get surgery for that.”

Which brings me back to sci-fi. Remember when Captain Kirk and crew returned to the 1980’s to retrieve their humpback whales? The Shat ordered his crew to remove their Starfleet insignia. Why? Who would care? Mr. Spock wore that bandana thing to hide his ears. Really? What was the point? (Pardon the pun.) I’ve seen lots of people with weird-shaped ears but it never once entered my mind that they might be an alien. I’d venture to say that you, dear reader, have done the same.

I’ve been a paramedic and a nurse for nearly twenty years. Many, many times I’ve listened to patients’ chests and heard heart tones on the right side as well as the left, or heard breath sounds when listening to an abdomen. Breath sounds in a belly or heart tones on the right side are exactly what you shouldn’t hear. But I never suspected that they might be a timelord like Dr. Who or other such alien with two hearts or otherworldly arranged internal architecture. I just figured that my stethoscope was really sensitive or the patient’s chest was particularly resonant.

The sci-fi show that I think strikes the nail on the head psychology-wise is “Invader Zim”, a Nickelodeon cartoon that only ran for a couple of seasons. In it, Zim is a green-skinned alien with no ears and pink eyes who lives in a freakish house. He goes to great lengths to disguise himself as he plots to annihilate the world. Zim needn’t bother. The only person who believes he is an alien is Dib. Everyone else is convinced Dib is insane. All the rest of humanity is completely apathetic about the unusual happenings surrounding Zim.

That’s pretty much how humanity really is. I don’t think that there are extraterrestrials living among us; which, if you’re an extraterrestrial, is the perfect disguise. The folks that believe in aliens are the “fringe” people, and they proclaim their stories of abduction and insidious alien plots between doses of Seroquel behind the revolving door of their psychiatric facility. What if they're actually right? Like I said, I’d like to believe in aliens, but I don’t. Does that make me as apathetic as the rest of the world? Probably, but I don’t particularly want to spend my days behind that revolving door in a Seroquel happy place.

So is there a happy medium? Can a normal person find a compromise between boring, sane apathy and the men in the white coats? Just for fun, next time you see someone unusual-looking, imagine that they might actually be an alien, instead of an unfortunate soul whose eyes are too far apart or in need of a good plastic surgeon to take care of that tail or proboscis. Just the other day, I saw a man who was odd-looking (I say he was a “man,” but who knows?) His eyes were really far apart and his skin was an odd shade, sort of like you would get by putting too much butter on burnt toast. His ears were odd too, almost star-shaped. My first thought? Some black guy born with fetal alcohol syndrome. My second thought? He could be an alien and no one else realizes, or cares! The second thought, that he might be an alien, was so much more fun than the depressing disease process thought! Try it! Just be careful who you talk to about it.

See you in the asylum!

Acutely Aware, Chronically Oblivious - The Stupidity of Awareness

So today, December 1st, has been World AIDS Day. That’s exciting. My only question is how, exactly, does one celebrate or even observe World AIDS Day? I don’t think anyone got the day off work. If anyone was holding backyard barbecues, it seems unlikely that such an event was preceded by the invitation “Hey Joe, I’m having an AIDS barbecue and I wanted to invite you since you’re... you know, all AIDS-y and stuff. It might go on late so bring your meds.”

In researching the topic of the various “awareness days” (or weeks, months, whatever), I came across many fascinating situations of which someone, somewhere felt that the rest of the world should be made more keenly aware of. I’m sure that everyone with AIDS deeply appreciates having the spotlight on their disease, rather than their accomplishments or personalities. Likewise, how thrilling is it that on May 19 we have World Hepatitis Day? I'll drink to that... oh wait- sorry! If it makes you too depressed that you have hepatitis, perhaps you might want to wait till March 1 for National Self-Injury Awareness Day before you do anything rash. Is it just me, or does it seem to you that granting all the attention-whores who cut themselves an entire day to, well, pay attention to them, is ridiculously self-serving and manipulative? How darkly clever of them to get a whole national day devoted to their attention-seeking.

Having nearly any disease will get you your own day to be lavished with metaphorical, if not literal, attention. For instance, buy a gift for National Aplastic Anemia and MDS Awareness Week, perhaps a nice bottle of vitamins. Thise folks would likely do well by paying a little more attention to Folic Acid Awareness Week. Not to be left out are other conditions, such as World Cancer Day, Feb. 4 ("Hey Dad! Happy Cancer Day! Did they give you your free chemo today?"); World Diabetes Day on Nov. 14, (candy is an appropriate gift); Metastatic Breast Cancer Awareness Day on Oct 13 (not to be confused with Breast Cancer Awareness Month, also in October, or with the aforementioned World Cancer Day). Boobs do seem to get an inordinate amount of attention, don’t they? Fortunately, the men aren’t left out - they have Testicular Cancer Awareness Week (not a whole month like the girls get, and no ribbons but we do get a crappier website). And don’t forget that the voices inside your head are telling you to observe Schizophrenia Awareness Day on May 24. Observe it or “they” will kill you! (Not if you kill them first, right?)


In addition to the myriad of diseases, neuroses and general malaises that have days assigned to be nauseatingly aware of, there is no shortage of "awareness" time for just about every special-interest minority under the sun. November is Native American Awareness Month. The aged get May as Older Americans Month. I can totally get behind Better Speech and Hearing Month, also in May (GRANDMA! IT’S OLDER AMERICANS MONTH!” “What’s that, sonny?”) Convenient, eh?

February is Black History Month. March 8 is International Women’s Day. In June we observe Deaf-Blind Awareness Week (How does a blind person observe anything?) Latinos have their own month in April. Latinos with AIDS double-dip in awareness on Oct. 15 on Latinos with AIDS Awareness Day. Actually they triple-dip in April, Oct 15 and Dec 1. Even the homeless get their week to bask in the sun (since they can’t go inside, I guess) in November. And of course, every day you go to the store is Handicap Awareness Day, since they of the Holy Blue Stickers get the best parking spots.

In all the stuff that the rest of the world wants us to be aware of, among all the spotlights shining down on every disease, minority, ethnicity, infirmity and age, there is one awareness that is glaringly obvious by its absence. On what day is Average White Guys With Jobs And No Crippling Illnesses Day? I don’t ever remember seeing such a thing on the calendar. Isn’t it time that we got our own awareness day? Every day of the year is taken up with some observance of some group with some miserable story, whether they’ve been oppressed, sickened, molested, infected, neglected, used, abused, or otherwise hard-done by. Is it SO hard to have a little tribute to the Caucasians who go to work every day, support their families, don’t kick puppies or Hispanics, pay their taxes and cut the grass on weekends? Seriously, we don’t even need a whole month of awareness; a single day would be sufficient. You could even make it on Leap Day, Feb 29, which only comes every four years. It wouldn’t have to be a big huge national tickertape parade. All you’d need to do is say “Hey, there goes that white guy, off to work again, keeping the country going. Thanks, dude.”

Civil Rights - You Have the Right to Create Chaos

NOPD is under federal investigation for their actions in the days after Katrina. Apparently there is a question as to whether citizen's civil rights were violated during that time. The police stand accused of murder and harassing people after the storm, violating their civil rights.

My response: I beg your pardon? A few dozen COPS are under investigation? They were the baddies? Have we simply completely overlooked the "citizens" involved? I was very much in the thick of things post-Katrina. Rescue helicopters had to abort operations at least twice because the "citizens" were firing guns at the helicopters, as well at fire trucks, National Guard and police vehicles. As I rode in the back of a military truck on several occasions, we had to make our way around the THOUSANDS of "citizens" who were looting businesses, stealing whatever vestiges of civilization remained. At the Superdome for three days, we had to care for at least three pre-adolescent girls who were raped by the "citizens." My house was looted by "citizens."

The police had no contact with the outside world or their superiors. None of us did. We were living in a post-apocalyptic nightmare, trying to survive. There was no law or order to keep, the "citizens" had seen to it that anarchy was the order of the day. None of us knew when or if help was going to come; for all we knew the rest of the world had written off New Orleans as lost and gone.

I ask you, what would you have done? When you fear for your life because of the angry, lawless "citizens" who outnumber you ten thousand to one, when they pick you out of the crowd to terrorize you because of the uniform you wear, how would anyone react?

Why are we not investigating the "citizens" that created the situation? It seems that the citizen's instruction manual for an anarchic city (provided by the feds) must read: "Do whatever you want. Loot, rape, pillage, kill - anything you want. If any duly-appointed law enforcement use any action to stop you, we'll have their head on a platter. This is your civil right."

The news article makes post-Katrina New Orleans sound like NOPD opened fire in a hospital ward full of children. There was nothing sterile or clinical or innocent about any of the circumstances or the "citizens" during that time. The investigators were obviously not here in New Orleans. I have a love-hate relationship with the police, but they are not the ones to be blamed for their actions during that disaster. It is the "citizens" who created the situation requiring NOPD's actions.

This Is SOOO Freaking Exciting!

Totally awesome! Scientists have discovered new species of worms that live over a mile under the sea! My life is utterly changed! Everything is different now. When the bill collectors call I can now simply say "Hey! Haven't you heard? Swima bombiviridis is now known! How can you possibly be interested in cash after an announcement of such magnitude?"

Y'all, thank you for this overwhelming joy in my life right now. All is perfect in the world.

Swine Foolishness

Seriously? CNN is lamenting the panic that has apparently set in as people begin to flood emergency departments because of swine flu fears? Are they kidding us with this? CNN and every other media outlet around CAUSED this panic! It is impossible to pick up a newspaper, turn on a TV or radio or log onto a web page without seeing "swine flu" panic-mongering.

Media people, don't even try to tell me that you haven't been deliberately trying to induce public panic. At the very moment this article was featured on CNN's website, there were no fewer than ten other articles about swine flu, including "Gas Masks Next Step in Flu Fight," "Number of Confirmed H1N1 Cases Soars" and "Developers Create Swine Flu App for iPhone." How is having eleven swine flu articles with sensationalist headlines NOT fostering panic?

At the same time, Reuter's also had at least ten references to the flu, one notable headline being "Not Scared of Flu Yet?" MSNBC had a whopping fifteen articles dedicated to panicking the masses, including flu references in its "Entertainment" section.

Interestingly, on the home page for the Center for Disease Control, there were only three references to the flu. The most dramatic of those links was merely labeled "CDC Responds to H1N1 Flu Outbreak Among Humans." Refreshingly dull, in my opinion.

Media - we get it: the flu is going around. Please don't put up articles acting like you're shocked because people are panicking. You caused this. It'd be nice to send the medical bills to the local news outlets, wouldn't it?
Thanks, media types. Enough. Please shut up now.

Murder Most Heinous

I'm not one to judge, but in my opinion those who deliberately murder deserve the death sentence, no if's, and's or but's. Therefore I find it odd that apparently murder now has a rating system that one might compare with the popularity vote one might find on "American Idol" or some similar pop-culture reference. In this article, genocide is listed by the reporter as the word's most heinous crime. However Christiane Amanpour has spent her career traveling to the sites of genocidal events the world over. Does it seem to you that one who chooses to obsess over one particular form of murder might logically deduce that their particular OCD trigger is the most important one?

To be fair to other forms of murder I Googled "most heinous crime." Child molestation ranked right up there. There are those that think being a bad mother is the world's most heinous crime, citing a reference comparing the murder of the child with the bad mother. Guess what? The bad mom got a harsher sentence than did the actual child murderer! The BBC at least gets back into the murder arena, calling the killing of prostitutes "most heinous." (Really? Dead hookers?) If you look at some groups, terrorist attacks are the most heinous of crimes.

True, everything mentioned above is heinous. But is seems that the popularity of what is considered "most" heinous is in the eyes of the beholder. And obviously the beholder has a certain OCD about their particular field of interest (e.g. the guy who thinks killing hookers is the worst). I found it interesting that in the Google pages I checked, notably missing from the list were abortion, elderly abuse, drunk driving and slavery. It sounds like these crimes need more vocal advocates! Perhaps we could start a reality TV show where the public could text their responses for the most heinous crime? Wouldn't that be fun? ("To vote for terrorism text 'terror.' To vote for dead prostitutes text '50dollar.') Or even better, a caged wrestling match between the people who think their pet crime is the most heinous. I'd pay-per-view the match between the one who thinks bad moms are the worst vs. the one who think child molestation is worst. Naturally, such a match would be to the death.

Now THAT would a good heinous crime!