Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Worse Than Katrina, Ike and the Stock Market Plunge

Apparently a bunch of bees have colonized three units of slum housing in Miami. And apparently part of the tragedy is there's a baby somewhere around, as evidenced by one of the interviewees decreeing "we can't have dese stuffs around." Because, you know, bees are so well-known to establish colonies within the aforementioned babies.

Another person interviewed says "I have seen a lot of things in my life, but I have never seen nothing so devastating as this," referring to the beehive. Yes, readers, there we have it. Despite what you think about hurricanes on the gulf which kill hundreds, tsunamis that destroy thousands, wildfires that consume hundreds of miles of forests and towns or the earthquakes that threaten to split countries in two, none of that compares with the "devastation" inherent in having a colony of bees in the wall of a house in the ghetto. The same day this video was posted, the Dow Jones Industrial Average plummeted over 400 points in one day. The government has already doubled our national debt by bailing out Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac and the situation will be even worse if AIG also gets bailed out. Problematic for our society and economy? Sure. But holy mother of God above, it pales in comparison to the havoc wreaked by these three beehives!

One of the expert entomologists in the video declares "If you attract bees, they'll come at you and they could kill you!" It is fascinating that this statement comes as we watch Adrian Valero, the bee wrangler, pile the bees into a bucket and chop away at the hive with a hatchet, unstung and unharmed after hours of work. Perhaps the "expert" interviewed had in mind the awful death that ensues around age 95 after being stung when you're 20.

It occurs to this writer that the bee industry might be overjoyed to find not one but three healthy, thriving colonies of honeybees in the face of the mysterious bee plague that has decimated domestic colonies lately. Such colonies can be transplanted and used to bolster or replace dying ones helping to recoup some of 15 billion dollars at stake from the bee industry alone. But I am obviously wrong, wrong, wrong. These thriving beehives are "terrible, just terrible." The worst part of the "devastation?" There's no one for the occupants of the houses to sue in some frivolous but profitable lawsuit. I'm sure they'll think of something, though.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

New Mayor Ray Nagin Pinata!

There is a new Halloween treat out this year! Chocolate City Industries would like to announce the availability of the new Mayor Ray Nagin Piñata! The papier maché figure is a fun treat that all can enjoy, both children and voters alike! The enormous head is suspended above all the mere mortals in an appropriate position from which to supervise and “monitor” the piñata party. Imagine the fun to be had by all as they beat Nagin about the face and head with long sticks!

But the fun doesn't end there. Just like it's namesake, it doesn't take much for the Mayor Ray Nagin Piñata to release its treats that party-goers and media personalities can chew on for a long, long time! To cut down on weight, the head is mostly empty, but the mouth part of the piñata is filled with goodness. Yes, after the fun of whacking Nagin's head for a while, the mouth opens and spills out a seemingly endless torrent of sweets with virtually no nutritional value!

From the Mayor Ray Nagin Piñata, there comes a delightful assortment of treats. You'll find no shortage of chocolate bars – Chunky's, Nestle's, Milky Ways and Hershey's (with and without nuts). As a unique feature, the piñata will also gush forth with fortune cookies, all featuring a classic Nagin gem as a fortune. “New York can't fix a hole in the ground,” “By the end of the day, this will be a Chocolate City,” “Everything is the media's fault,” and the latest Naginism, “Just ask for the Ray Nagin special” are among the fortunes you'll find. Trade with your friends and collect them all!

With the new Mayor Ray Nagin Piñata, you'll find that piñatas aren't just for kids anymore! Everyone's fantasies are indulged with the ability to physically beat Nagin as well as a Category 5 tempest of delicious sayings right from his mouth! Also available soon from Chocolate City Industries is the Mayor Ray Nagin Piñata Mark II, which features the Mayor's foot already inserted in the mouth. In addition, soon you can look for the Stealth Piñata – an image of the mayor's spokeswoman, Ceeon Quiett. The Stealth Piñata makes a great gag gift to give to anyone who appreciates an ironic sense of humor. You can poke her, beat her and otherwise coerce her, but she'll never let anything fall from her mouth (for advanced piñata users only).

If you're one of the first 500 to order, we'll throw in a piñata stick with which to beat the Mayor Ray Nagin Piñata. This is no ordinary stick; it's guaranteed to make the Nagin-beating experience 100% more enjoyable! How, you ask? It's tipped with a replica of the “Courage and Leadership in Recovery” award! But wait, that's not all! If you order now, we'll include free of charge a sheaf of apology letters from various city government and business associations addressed to anyone who might be injured or offended by Nagin's droppings. Get one today!