The U.S. Must Be Sorely Disappointed

Check this out! Russian President Medvedev called off Russia's war with Georgia. Just like that. According to the article, President Bush decried the action and said Russia's standing was "substantially damaged" in the rest of the world's view.

Imagine how disappointed ol' Dubya must be. Without any involvement from the United States, two foreign governments managed to handle an international crisis all by themselves! America didn't even get to drop some ordinance or invade a parking lot! And according to this article on MSNBC, it seems that VP Dick Cheney was hankering to do just that. Isn't it simply awful that the American World Police weren't sent to the scene? It seems unthinkable that any war, coup, uprising, barroom brawl or playground slapping match could possibly be resolved without the infinite wisdom of the good old U.S. of A!

Even worse must be the disappointment that our up-and-coming presidential candidates must feel. Either is on the verge of a new drunken binge of power. Plopped into the presidency during the middle of a war between our buddies the Georgians and the not-very-buddyish Russians, both McCain and Obama could have used the opportunity to sell themselves like a used car salesman at a rally of gullible retards. Of note is this Reuter's article in which Obama is quoted as lambasting the Russians for getting all up in Georgia's bubble. Russia "violated the space of another country" (and, you know, the U.S. never does that!). As president, Obama could have so used that war to show what a swell guy he was by never ever sending any troops or planes or tanks or bombs or food or medicine, all the while touting himself to his media entourage as a 'peaceful kinda guy.' It could have been the ultimate reverse 9-11 PR move! Crowds would throw roses at his feet. Well, maybe our buddies the Georgians wouldn't throw many roses; they'd all be dead.

McCain on the other hand, according to the same article, took a "tougher line against Russia than either ...Bush or Obama." Imagine old John up there in the White House, ordering all the planes and tanks and invasions and assassins and medusae and whatnot. After our troops had scoured the land sterile with tank treads and cluster bombs, we'd still have to maintain a "presence" with the military. With Georgia a smoldering husk, the only thing left to do would be to continue fighting Russians. McCain could receive the glory of finally using all those fancy expensive nuclear weapons and America wouldn't ever have to worry about all that tension again.

Yep, it's a sad day for America when some two-bit country like Russia or Georgia manages to settle their problems without our divine benificence. Hmmm, how's our old friends, the Iranians?

Who Knew?

Stop the presses! An Earth-shattering story has been broken by our friends at Reuter's. Yes, according to this article, a healthy lifestyle reduces the risk of stroke. In other words, a lifestyle that includes a healthy, low-fat diet, regular exercise, no smoking, moderation in alcohol and a healthy weight can actually have positive health results! Why have we never been told this before? I mean, this is BIG!

Up to now, the American Heart Association has advocated just the opposite, haven't they? They've been telling us to maintain a diet of lard scooped out from a can while watching 16 hours of TV a day and chase it down with fifths of bourbon between packs of cigarettes. The Center for Disease Control has been trying to abolish condom use, encourage frequent anonymous sex, never wash hands and actually lick persons suffering from contagious diseases. No doubt this study from Harvard will turn those institutions on their ear!

Who would have thought that what has been termed a "healthy lifestyle" for generations was actually healthy? If you're like me, you probably thought that they used the term "healthy lifestyle" just because they couldn't think of anything else to call it. No, now we actually have a study, with percentages and numbers to prove it! Certainly there has never been a study ever in the past to quantify that low fat, reasonable weight, exercise and moderation in indulgences would have any health benefits whatsoever. Those "warnings" on tobacco and alcohol containers? Up to now, they've just been there because they had extra ink at the label printers they needed to get rid of. "Health food" stores and restaurants? They've only been in business because "health" has been synonymous with "fashionable." Wow, now they're gonna really have to buck up to some actual responsibility with this news.

I'm completely positive that when Dr. Stephanie E. Chiuve applied for the certainly lavish grant to conduct this original study, she had absolutely no idea of the results it would reveal. Such a study (and generous grant) was clearly absolutely necessary since the human race has never had any inkling that healthy habits would result in actual health. In view of this, I'll propose my own study: Does an "unhealthy lifestyle" result in health risks? I can't imagine what the answer might be. Can I have my multimillion dollars in grant money now? The world needs to know.