Friday, August 01, 2008

Alligator Summer

I can see it brewing. The other day, some kid got his arm eaten by a gator. Now the "wildlife nuisance control" has killed an 11-foot gator in the Bonne Carre Spillway because it "wasn't afraid of humans." Well of course it wasn't afraid of humans; why would it be? If I was an 11 foot long alligator, I wouldn't be afraid of very much at all!

Alligators are receiving quite the media blitz in southeast Louisiana these days. Apparently, the new criteria for wildlife being a danger is directly proportional to its fear of humans. And alligators, brazenly lounging about on the banks of bayous and rivers, are clearly just begging to be shot. If they were afraid of humans, they'd be cowering in caves and staying under the water, not soaking up the sun in plain view, as if they were so many sorority girls on spring break. I'm sure it won't be long before a new crusade is launched to eliminate them from our waterways. Some family and friends of the alligator-bait kid will no doubt start a fund devoted to the extermination of alligators, much like Jefferson Parish's nightly slaughter of nutria. Won't it be ironic then, that just a few years ago, alligators were on the endangered species list, and soon a Hitlerian death-camp order will be the reptiles' destiny?

As wildlife contol officers mention, a creature's fear of humans, or lack thereof, is the determining factor in deciding if said creature is a danger. By this criteria, these officers will have a lot of work to do. Just this morning I was sitting on my balcony when I was accosted by a nuisance animal. A monstrous lizard, at least 5 whole inches long, walked right across the railing, not a foot in front of me! Clearly it has no fear of humans and must be eliminated! I have witnessed on many occasions ducks and geese being fed in City Park, fearlessly waddling right up to people, bold as could be! And some of those people were children! Imagine what could happen if these nuisance poultry aren't dealt with soon! "Child Pecked to Death by Ducks!" would be the headlines on the Times-Picayune.

The mind boggles when imagining all the nuisance wildlife out there. Squirrels harrasing picnickers, pigeons roaming freely in the French Quarter, minnows fearlessly swimming with bathers in Destin - there's danger everywhere you turn! How many times have you witnessed the horrifying sight: a big labrador retriever or a tiny pekingnese or a tabby kittycat waltz right up to some unsuspecting human with no fear whatsoever demanding to be tummy-rubbed or ear-scratched? This fearless nuisance wildlife terrorizing us humans has to end! The wildlife nuisance control officers certainly have their work cut out for them. If only the animals could read their motto on their 4-wheel-drive pickups: "Fear us... or DIE!"