Outsourcing Drive-throughs

Does anybody else see the problem with this? As if fast food isn't dehumanizing enough, now McDonald's wants us to talk to somebody in North Dakota to place our order for the drive-up window sitting 20 feet from our car! How long will it be before we're talking to Hyderabad, India to order our Happy Meals?
Generally if I simply must have fast food, I find it easier to order exactly what I don't want, then when they screw up the order, which the minions inevitable will, chances are greater that I get what I secretly desired.
If I'm talking to some outsourced thrall in Bumfuck, Egypt to get my food, and the window fool gives me 83 cheeseburgers, extra pickles, then to whom am I going to bitch? The Bumfucktard? No he's a million miles away, plus I'd have to circle back around to the static-y screech box. The window troll? No, the computer screen clearly says 83 cheeseburgers, extra pickles. God forbid he has an original thought. The manager? He's in the "office" masturbating to internet porn, or popping zits, or both.
If you absolutely, truly have no recourse but to resort to fast food, at least maintain what shreds of humanity are left in our society and park your car, get out and walk inside to order like a human should. Please.

Is It Art? Or Just Stupid?

Apparently someone in Alaska decided to capitalize on something that happens every time you leave your garden hose on when it freezes. John Reese describes himself as a "free-form industrial ice sculptor" because he leaves sprinklers running in the cold.
And to think, thousands have been doing this for free! Yet in the transcript from NPR he says he is the "only person on the planet" who does stuff like this. Tell that to my camellia bush that got decimated because I forgot the sprinker was on during on overnight freeze!
Does it seem to you that people do idiotic things just so they can say they're "the only person on the planet that does this"? I got news for ya buddy; not only are not the only person on the planet that can make outdoor popsicles, but neither do you have the worldwide market cornered on stupidity!

Suspicions Confirmed!

Surely you've experience the frustration that comes from calling "customer support" for anything. Likely you've hung up the phone exasperated over the useless time you spent dealing with "service" representatives. "That has got to be one of the stupidest people I've ever dealt with!" you thought to yourself.
Now CNN confirms this suspicion. They need software to tell them when the customer is upset. Excuse me, but I've always been able to rely on conversational skills to tell me the mood of the other person, even when I'm talking on the phone. Are these people so shut in that they don't experience conversation with people outside of taking service calls? They need a computer screen to tell them that the person on the phone shouting, crying, swearing at them is upset?
I've always suspected that a leaden intellect is a prerequisite to have a customer service job. Now I know it's true.

CNN.com - Errant bomb falls on hiking trail - Oct 24, 2004

CNN.com - Errant bomb falls on hiking trail - Oct 24, 2004

Wow. A fake bomb fell on a hiking trail. The crater was a mind-boggling six inches wide! My dick is bigger than that! They grounded the plane and are conducting an "investigation" ('so Joe, what happened?' 'I dunno.'). Why aren't they still looking for the live nuclear weapons that have been lost at sea since the 50's? Or the uranium that is missing from no fewer than three nuclear plants? But lordy, a hunk of iron falls on a trail? One hiker was so close, 'he could hear the thud!' Will he ever recover? I mean, a whole thud! Stop the presses! ('And what is your official position on lost hunks of iron, Mr. Kerry?') Here's mine: WHO CARES?

Why Venus Lost Her Arms

I am a huge astronomy buff. I read astronomy stuff every day and stargaze in my back yard whenever I can. But if I hear another thing about Venus transiting the sun I'm going to scream! Who cares? It's not going to affect anyone's lives. The only ones with a legitimate interest are esoteric planetary scientists and astronomers. It'd be one thing if this was on just astronomy websites, but this crap is all over CNN, Reuters, and MSNBC! And these are just the news sources I bothered to research! (MSNBC, in their eternal quest for inaccuracy, declared it the "Sight of the Century," when there will, in fact, be yet another transit of Venus a little later this century, in 2012.)

I mean, you can't even look at the sun, Venus or not, without doing damage to your eyes! And who wants to be bothered buying or constructing a "sun-safe" thingamajiggy to look? Here's an idea of what it looks like: blindingly bright ball of nuclear fusion. Now put a pinpint dot on it. Wow. Tell your grandchildren. They'll think you've gone senile.

And so what if it's a once in a lifetime event? A dot in front of the sun? Big freakin' deal! Aren't there other more exciting once in a lifetime events to go ga-ga over? Besides if you ask me, once in a lifetime events are overrated.

Wonderfully Awful Ideas

Finally! Someone has wised up to the inanity of the "entertainment" industry, where terrible ideas become Hollywood blockbusters. These are some of the best ideas for movies I've seen in ages.

Any other suggestions for bad idea'd movies? How about Titanic 2? Rose realizes she was an idiot for losing that huge damn diamond and goes to buy a cheap-knock off on Ebay. Then she goes to find her equally geriatric former fiance, who's riddled with Alzheimers. He can remember Rose and their engagement, but fortunately not the terrible incidents that transpired after the Titanic's sinking. Impressed with the big-ass "diamond," they get married, she inherits his millions and has a great boob job.She gets a show on MTV with the pilot episode featuring her in a catfight with Anna Nicole Smith. Flashbacks can include her dalliance as a prostitute and the heartache of having those ADHD grandkids.

Maybe we can have Crocodile Dundee 4: Back to the Outback. Paul Hogan moves back to the outback and has a "walkabout," only to catch yellow fever from a mosquito. Delirious with fever and dehydration, he is slowly consumed by a pack of dingoes and dies, forever ending this ridiculous chain of movies.

"Have some fun!"

Well, the department of Homeland Security has no specifics about anything at all and has no idea how, when or where it might happen, but Americans are being urged to use vigilance in traveling.

What exactly does that mean, 'use vigilance'? Are we supposed to check the sand under our beach chair for incendiary devices? Scope out our hotel room for weapons of mass destruction? Insist that everyone else on our plane to the Bahamas is a terrorist?

Isn't it fascinating that this warning, designed to cause Americans to panic and freak out, is timed so well with the president's campaign's rapid spiral into the abyss? The media must feel truly torn, having to decide whether to jump all over this terror threat warning and drive up their ratings by inciting panic as usual or, in the process of doing so, promote the cause of their self-chosen arch-enemy, George Bush and his administration. Decisions, decisions... Media-driven panic or make Dubya look bad by not reporting it? Oh, the agony!

Mind you, there is no practical value of actual terror threat warnings. Law enforcement can do nothing about it, other than take credit when nothing happens. It't like saying to someone in the heart of Times Square "My presence is keeping the tigers away."
"But there are no tigers in New York," you might reply.
"See, it's working!"

See, our terror threat warnings are keeping out the terrorists!

Videos aren't enough evidence?

I find it simply incredible that the pictures of the gunmen who shot two out-of-towners last year aren't enough evidence to warrant a trial. These guys were caught on surveillance cameras at a carwash shooting their AK-47's at two guys nearby who were badly wounded. I know, 'cause I was there!

Any moron with one eye and bad vision can see that these are the guys in the video. But according to Judge Arthur Hunter, one of New Orleans' fine paragons of justice, this isn't even enough evidence to warrant a trial! How much more evidence does he want? If that isn't enough to slough off your confidence in our "justice system," I don't know what is.

When the video was discovered and the arrests made, the police were thrilled that they had such a clear-cut case with irrefutable hard evidence. The residents in the neighborhood were overjoyed because these guys were terrorizing the locals. It was a victory for everyone. Now the only victorious ones are the would-be murderers.

Why do we bother having a police department? What is the purpose of the courts? Obviously to give Judge Hunter a forum to release documented criminals back on the street. America! What a country!

Why ever would the US leave Iraq?

Pretty wild that the U.S. would vacate Iraq if they thought America was unwelcome. What would ever give them that idea? If there's one thing that has characterized the war in Iraq it is the warm and loving welcome that US troops and personnel have recieved by all the Iraqi citizens.

What exactly does Mr. Bremer require to get the hint that US troops are not welcome? Obviously daily attacks on troops and contractors, televised beheadings of Americans and "U.S. get the fuck out" signs don't convey the message clearly enough. It reminds me of the Far Side comic where the couple has to feign death to get their guests to finally leave. There's an idea! Hey all you Iraqis reading this - pick a day and time and everyone just play dead. Believe me, all the invaders, er, sorry, "liberators" will get out quick 'cuz they won't want to have to clean up behind several million corpses!

It's worth a shot!

I'm not at all creeped out by death or anything, but I do think it's a little wierd to have to store your loved ones till the ground is thawed out enough to bury 'em. I mean, you get all used to the idea of Gramps being dead, only to have to haul him out from the U-Stor-It Death-O-Rama (2nd corpse half-price!) and go through the funeral and actual burial.

Why not have the funeral and all and just pay someone under the table to bury Gramps in the spring, real quiet like? That way there's not the pulled-off scab effect of dealing with it all over again.

Of course, I'm all about cremation! It solves so many problems! You never have to worry about finding a drawer at the morgue for your beloved, they can't exhume the body to see if you killed 'em, and you don't have to re-funeralize them months later if you live in Alaska. As an added benefit, you can cremate 'em right there in the graveyard and the funeral pyre can defrost the ground for the next stiff's burial! And sing campfire songs! 2 birds with 1 stone!

It's amazing what the human body can do, isn't it? People who can dive over 500 feet on a single breath, go for a mile-long swim in Antarctica or climb into the rarified air of Mt. Everest without oxygen! Incredible!

My question is Why? Why would anyone ever want to try any of those things? And how did you find out you could do them? Sounds like these feats started out as a drunken dare in college. Moreover, once you figure out you can pull off something like climbing Everest without oxygen, why would you go and do it again? This guy's climbed it 5 times, plus 12 other peaks! Did you get the part about the strongman's regimen? "Training 12 hours a week and putting away 25 pounds of beef and 14 supplement shakes every seven days." Gross! I can't imagine being willing to choke down that much cow and protein sludge just to be able to pick a wad of lead. And I barely want to do something that feels good for 12 hours a week, let alone pumping iron and tearing ligaments!

And it's not as if these are useful talents or anything. I might be more impressed by the guy who climbed the mountain to look for the cure for cancer, or who swam to Antarctica to rescue a stranded lifeboat crew. But these folks accomplishments are the athletic equivalent of being the trivia champion. I guess that's ok, but who cares?

Terrific! The service industry is growing! This means more jobs are available for the unemployed public!

But what does it really boil down to? If the service industry is growing, then what collateral shrinkage in the jobs market is occuring? Well, now that we have more positions available for waiters, hotel porters, check-out girls, bartenders and delivery people, those jobs will have to be filled by fresh college graduates or those who have been downsized right out of their professional career .

Yes, all those years of work, studying and brown-nosing will reap their huge reward when you get that coveted job at the grill in the Chik-Fil-A in the mall! Just think of all those $1 tips you'll rake in hauling luggage up to hotel rooms (which, incidentally, are being rented by your former co-workers on all-expense-paid junkets). And just imagine the stimulating conversations you'll have with your co-workers! In addition to other college grads bitching about their lot in life, you'll work side by side with the unskilled and uneducated working hard to get enough money to buy their next crack rock or bling-bling accessory for their baby-daddy!

America! Land of opportunity!

Mid-air meditation? An interesting idea. Especially in the wonderful world up in the sky, a little tranquility and peace would be a welcome relief from the unrelenting hassles of squashed seats, late landings, lost luggage and surly stewardesses. Maybe more airlines should offer such appointments.

My concern comes from the vehemence with which the unnamed Air Sahara official extols this service. He says, "believe you me, those who are meditating will become completely oblivious of what the passenger on the next seat is doing.” I'm not sure that while traveling in buzz tube 35,000 feet up I want to be that unaware of what's going on around me. What if I'm so lost in my inner Nirvana that I'm unable to open the emergency exit? Besides, what anesthetic gasses are they pumping in to guarantee this bliss?

And what about the other passengers who may not want to participate? All the meditators may find their peaceful place, but what if it drives some borderline personality disorder passenger over the edge and he gets all psycho over the chanting and lotus positions? I'm not sure that Air Sahara thought this idea through all the way.

The virus that causes the common cold may be a "hit and hide" virus. It may create a cold then hide in the body for weeks. Some people may act as carriers of it, like a modern Typhoid Mary.

And...?

I mean, whaddya want us, the workaday public, to do about it? There's no cure or vaccine for the cold. We already know how to minimize spreading disease (wash your hands, don't sneeze snot on everybody). Now what? Will this information help us disease-ridden individuals out here in the real world? I can't think of any way it would.

Must our brains be inundated with useless information masquerading as "news"? I can't think of a single reason that this story needed to be published. Doctors get their information from JAMA and medical sources, not MSNBC. I feel for the poor unsuspecting masses who will read this and think they learned something, but in reality there's nothing there that is of any benefit whatsoever. Of course, these are the same people who obsess over things like Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey.

Well, here's a frightening little tidbit for all you travelers out there. Everyone knows that you shouldn't think too hard about who's been in your hotel room before you, much less what they were doing. The AP has gone and quantified those subconscious fears by telling us what the dirtiest items in that mysterious hotel room are.

The grodiest object? The remote. Of course it is, because the weirdo who was there before you was flipping between porn channels with one hand while alternately spanking the monkey and gnawing pork rinds with the other. If they're still interested in finding weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, why not go put a few Iraqi hotel remotes in a Petri dish. I'm sure that shit'd qualify as a WMD.

Enjoy your summer vacation. Bring body condoms!

I feel better already! Thank God NORAD has had these preparations for hijacked aircraft. I can see that their preparations did wonders. One good thing about our government's preparations, they refuse to name the building that the "hijackers" in the exercise were to crash into. That's good, protect the innocence of the building. I'm sure it would be emotionally scarred otherwise.

No wonder their little plot wouldn't work: the 9/11 hijackers flew the planes into the wrong buildings! The one building that NORAD had planned to defend against wasn't the Pentagon or the World Trade Center. Does anyone else see a problem here? Wouldn't it make sense that NORAD's plans would be a tad bit more flexible? Is it not possible to train responses based on ideas rather than exact scenarios? It seems that the current ideology doesn't seem to leave a lot of leeway in preparations. I mean, after all, what if the wind is blowing from the south on the crucial day instead of the west? Or what if there are women hijackers instead of men? Have they prepared for that? I doubt it. It is not possible to prepare for every contingency, yet that is what the government seems bound and determined to spend our tax dollars on doing. Well, at least they can protect the innocence of the buildings.

I think this is a fabulous idea! Jesse Jackson negotiating for hostages. Because, you know, perennially running for president based on rhymey slogans and international hostage negotiations are practically the same thing.

What's really great is that he, a religious representative of the The Great Satan who has a large constituency of infidels wants to confer with none other than the religious leaders in Iraq. Yes the very leaders who instigate the rage and hate against the Great Satan, America, in the first place! What irony! You can't pay for this kinda stuff!

Possibly most telling is his advanced plan for contacting the necessary parties: "They watch CNN." That's so awesome! He's relying on some Muslim cleric in Iraq to be sitting there in his living room, toking on his hookah and happens to flip to CNN just as they're broadcasting Jesse's "appeal"! I hope he's not in the bathroom or something at the crucial instant. Wouldn't it suck for Jesse if the cleric's cable was out that day? Or if he had just gone to the fridge to get some leftover hummus? Good luck, Jess!

Of course nobody wants to buy software from a kiosk in the middle of a CompUSA. Remember the reason they're coming into CompUSA or wherever to begin with? These are the fucking idiots who can't figure out how to set up their e-mail or install a program. They're the ones who called you and said "I just bought such-and-such a computer" and then read off the feature list to you from the side of the box. "Is that a good one?"
Who's going to go into a store and then order something off a computer in the store? They could have ordered the software off the internet at home, if they had any sense. They come into the store because they haven't figured out the whole internet/digital thing yet. Their universe is made up of bricks and mortar, concrete and glass, wood and plastic. The concept of access to the world via GUI is simply way too much for them, too intangible and nebulous.
Figure it out, SoftwareToGo. Virtual sales in a brick-and-mortar store is far too incongruous for the ilk of people who are likely to venture there.

Are entomologists really worries about bug noises? This article seems to describe growing concern over an exceptionally large brood of cicadas, the "locusts" that fill summer and autumn nights with their buzzing from the trees. Why are they so concerned? The cicadas don't eat leaves, destroy crops, spread disease, summon demons or cause vandalism. They just buzz. I guess the entomologists were so fascinated with their communications or eating habits that they just never got around to napping in a hammock, lulled to sleep by the background noise of the cicadas. I say we find a way to have a cicada bumper crop every year!

I can foresee a whole new legal market opening up - that of lawsuits from people who buy wrecked cars from the U.S. and then sue the previous owner, the junkyard the insurance company and the guy who does the buying and shipping when the cars explode or the brakes fail or the radio causes deafness or whatever. You just know that if members of our litiginous society were engaging in such a practice, such lawsuits would be shot around left and right.
Apparently, at least for the time being, these Central Americans are happy with their totaled BMW's and Mercedes. Just wait till these rebuilt vehicles fall apart in some Nicaraguan jungle and the driver gets post-traumatic stress from being ambushed by cocaine smugglers. All because the jury-rigged vehicle he was in didn't come with a warning label: "Caution! This previously wrecked vehicle may cause death, mayhem and destruction of you, your family and assorted bystanders on the sidewalk. Rebuild at your own risk."