Ultimate Truth About Everything

Thank God Some Folks Have No Stress

2012-01-10T07:18:00.000-08:00

From my Facebook timeline.

Is the Spirit of "Occupy" Dead?

2011-12-30T08:04:00.000-08:00

Is the Spirit of “Occupy” Dead?

For months we have all been inundated with news stories about the “Occupy Wall Street” movement. Since its inception, it has branched out all around the world and taken on names such as Occupy Austin, San Francisco, Seattle, New Orleans, Berlin, Sydney, Melbourne, Limerick… and so on. Lately may of the protesters have moved out of their thrown-together camps, likely having succumbed to boredom, or the cold, or most likely, a sense of futility.

There are still some hangers-on, though, as evidenced by this article from Ireland. The title is what made me want to read it (as well as a personal connection with the author). “Ireland’s Spirit Is Just Dead.” No doubt those words echo the feelings of many who have succumbed to boredom or futility. In the five or six months since this Occupy business started, not much has changed, has it? Not achieving any of their requests after six months might make one feel that the spirit of their people is "just dead."

Why hasn't the world changed? A friend, an Occupy sympathizer, showed me what might pass for a manifesto of the Occupiers. Their objectives are so broad and system-shaking that when faced with the practical aspect of the revolution they require, the mind boggles at the breadth of it. Did they really expect that the world would be converted to a renewable fuel infrastructure in a few months? Or that the economic system would outlaw credit reporting agencies overnight? Or that the world’s countries would suddenly simply ignore their own borders (especially countries like China, Syria, North Korea, Iran or Afghanistan)? In the current scheme of things, such a revolution would take decades to orchestrate, even if the entire world were on board with the whole thing.

Many feel a love-hate sympathy for the Occupiers. As the Irish article points out, there’s about a fifty-fifty sympathy for and against the Occupiers. Even I applaud their lofty ideas, but have grown so sick of hearing about Occupy This and Occupy That that I’ve intentionally avoided reading or watching anything to do with the movement. Perhaps you have too. The clearest reason for the negativity is the way the protesters have been going about it. How exactly will sitting around a makeshift camp lamenting the lack of jobs create jobs? How will whining about the “economic inequality” of the world make everyone’s incomes more equal? Quite simply, it won’t.

So how should the Occupiers go about with their earth-shattering changes? Rest assured, sitting around what is basically a hobo camp won’t do it. After much thoughtful irritation, it dawns on me that perhaps the most annoying aspect of the movement is that the Occupy people keep complaining about the way things are, but don’t seem to be doing anything about it. I mean really doing something. If your house is a mess, even if you didn’t mess it up, complaining about the mess won’t clean it up. Only you picking up trash, scrubbing the floors and counters and cleaning the laundry and dishes will clean it. A pain in the ass? Of course it is! But that’s life. Likewise, complaining about the mess others have created in the world won’t clean it up. Those that created the mess - the bankers, the government, the corporations, the oil companies - don’t have to clean it up. It works fine for them just the way it is. Occupiers can make noble-sounding, high-minded quotes all they want, but it won’t help. No, like the one who had to clean up his house that was a mess, the Occupiers need to make the world the way they think it should be - by doing it themselves.

Get a job as a teller at that bank you hate. Move up the chain until you’re in a position to make the change you think needs to be made.

Run for office. Maintain your ideals (because really, when was the last time a public official was "in it" for the benefit of the public, rather than for themselves?). Make the changes you think need to made there. Run for a higher office. Repeat.

Go get a degree as an engineer. Invent a way to make renewable fuels the standard. Become CEO of the oil company and refocus their business on what you think it should be.

Keep in touch with your Occupy friends and continue to coordinate your plans until the world is better. The infrastructure is there to do so. Occupy has used Twitter, texting, email, cell phones and so on to coordinate their protests. Make certain that none of you become corrupted with wealth and power (ah! That's the tricky part, isn't it?) Sure, all that will take decades to accomplish. But it would take decades anyway, as we mentioned. Does all that sound like a pain in the ass? Well, it is! But, as we said, that’s life.

You see, the thing that sticks in people’s craw about Occupy isn’t so much the way things are or the way things should be, it’s that the Occupy people want someone else to fix the problems they want fixed instead of doing it themselves. Is the spirit of Ireland dead? Or the spirit of America or Australia or Japan or England or whatever? No! Clearly it isn’t, since vociferous people like the Occupiers are trying to make themselves heard. But will they take the example of our forefathers, who established this country and our freedoms by doing what they thought was right themselves? America and its freedom, its ingenuity, its spirit and its people come from a group of people who saw that the status quo was wrong, as do the cultures of many other countries, like Ireland. Instead of complaining to the media and the internet, they themselves created a new way of life for the country. It wasn’t easy, and yes, it took decades and yes, it was a pain in the ass. But it was done and gives the world a shining example of how to make the world a better place.

Is the spirit of Ireland dead? Is America’s spirit dead? Or anywhere the Occupy movement has taken root? If those Occupiers, themselves, do nothing to right the wrongs they perceive and wait for someone else to clean up the mess, then yes, that spirit is dead. And no camp or protest or movement will resurrect it.

Don’t complain about anything you’re not willing to do something about yourself. No matter how much of a pain in the ass it is.

Bow Down Before Me Or I Will Sit On You

2011-05-11T10:14:00.000-07:00

Dear World:
You are fat. You are also thin. I’m somewhere in between, not a monstrous blob of couch potato, but neither svelte, lithe, lean or skinny. I walk the tightrope between the two. And I’m not sure where to go next. You keep confusing me, World.

We constantly hear about the perils of obesity. It leads to diabetes, high blood pressure, stroke, heart attack, muumuus and lederhosen. The First Lady leads a task force to combat childhood obesity. I can’t watch TV or internet videos without seeing ads for cosmetic surgery to get rid of fat. I know many people who have had lap bands, gastric bypasses, roux-en-y and other operations to make them lose weight. In popular culture, “weight loss” has become synonymous with “healthy,” even though medically the two are really only in-laws by relationship. In some cities I’ve visited, when strangers become acquainted one of the first questions asked in the conversation is “Which gym do you work out at?” Whole lifestyles have evolved around weight-loss diets. In fact, most weight-loss programs promote themselves as a “lifestyle change.” People are even made to feel bad if they comment admiringly on a fat little baby’s chubby cheeks. We need to be thinner, obesity is the enemy.

With that being said, no, pounded into my head at every turn, it confuses me when I see articles like this one. Two fat women were prevented from boarding a flight. That goes with our current cultural psyche, right? They’re not thin and can’t fit between the 17-inch armrests, so they should be made to purchase an extra seat, right? I KNOW you’ve had this conversation before, especially those of you who have had a particularly rotund seatmate on a long flight. That’s all very straightforward and correct with the country’s view of obesity. But then an airline supervisor countermanded an entire nation’s efforts and opinions on obesity and let them fly. More than that, a Southwest Airlines executive groveled before the fat ladies and apologized and offered free travel vouchers so they could crowd up another plane. The ladies had an "embarrassing" 45 minute debate at the airport regarding their size. The details of the focus of the embarrassment weren't clear, because I doubt their weight was a big secret before the debate. One of the fat ladies says in the article that “The sensitivity level needs to change.”

I’m so confused! We rail against fat and obesity and inactivity, but then we bend over backward to accommodate the obese? Ambulances are constructed specifically to fit obese folks. Sofa-sized wheelchairs, “big boy” hospital beds, bariatric toilets are all constructed for the people who everyone else says shouldn’t be. I even found the “long reach comfort wipe” for folks whose arms can’t reach all the way to their butt.

So which is it, World? Is obesity to be accommodated or combatted? Are we supposed to encourage “health” and “weight loss” by forbidding the obese to travel by conventional means and pointing them in the direction of the nearest cosmetic surgery clinic or weight loss program? Or should we be cowering before their ponderous bulk by diverting energy and resources to make everything bigger for them because our “sensitivity” needs to change? Either way, I’m game. But pick a camp and stand in it, World.

I’m so confused.

Good Riddance

2011-05-02T12:05:00.000-07:00

So, Osama Bin Laden is dead. About time. Watching the videos of the celebrations outside the White House and in New York was reminiscent of images from V-J Day. The news gave America a sense of accomplishment, a feeling which I dare say has been sorely lacking in recent decades. The last thing closest to it was maybe the landing of the Spirit rover on Mars. Before that, the first space shuttle flight, the release of the hostages in Iran in 1980, the first moon landing and JFK’s presidency. It seems that such a moment comes once a decade. So I’m happy for my country.

There are those who naysay the victory celebrations, such as this simpleton: http://to.ly/afb4 Yes, yes I know it’s better to take the moral high ground and contemplate Bin Laden’s death in solemnity and mature reflection, but you know what? Fuck that. The United States has spent the greater part of recent years apologizing for whatever and taking the moral high ground on various issues, swayed by pundits and “celebrities” with their inane ideas against the death penalty or eating meat or wearing fur or against seeking retribution against the attacks of 9/11. To those that seek a quiet meditation session on Bin Laden’s death, fine, do whatever you want. But for those of us that felt the horror and indescribable sadness of 9/11/2001, as we watched our families, firefighters, police and friends perish in that catastrophe which Bin Laden masterminded, not to mention the many murders by him and his henchmen in this and many other countries, and viewed the footage of Al Qaeda sympathizers rubbing salt in our wounds by celebrating the 9/11 attacks, don’t chastise us for appreciating the blood of a man who had no motives for killing thousands other than the desire to see their deaths. In addition, Osama Bin Laden and his cronies wanted to kill you too, dear naysayer. So we will have our blood moment, like it or not.

Now, one thing which puzzles me is the breathtaking haste with which Bin Laden was buried at sea. It took nearly ten years from the events of 9/11 and the serious start of the epic manhunt for him until Twitter, Facebook and news channels exploded with the news about Bin Laden’s death. I first got word of it around 9:45pm on May 1st. Yet it only took four hours to get the news he was buried at sea already; I heard that news at around 2am on May 2nd. Does anything about that seem fishy? (Pardon the pun.)

Though the circumstances are completely different, a comparison between the death of Osama Bin Laden and Saddam Hussein can barely be helped. We all saw videos of his execution, the confirmation of his death and the verification that the man found in the “spiderhole” and the man at the gallows was indeed Saddam Hussein. There was no doubt. But with Bin Laden, there was no visual confirmation, no videos of his body, no pictures of doctors analyzing his DNA, no coverage of the burial at sea. We’re just expected to take someone’s word that he was killed and buried. Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t doubt he is dead and buried. That some Muslim clerics are pissed off about the method of his burial confirms that he is, in fact, dead. And I don’t mind that there aren’t any actual, legitimate photos of him dead and buried. After all, people had to be content with simple reports and text newspapers about world events before the advent of photography. But photography has been around for a good while now, and our world is steeped in visual coverage of everything from huge, earth-shaking events to ridiculous video blogs on YouTube of sorority girls’ latest shopping trips. But not of Osama Bin Laden? This, along with the unbelievable speed with which his burial was carried out makes me say "WTF?" Something is rotten in Denmark. Actually, in Pakistan.

At any rate, congratulations to the soldiers who got him, and congrats to America and the world. Keep it going.

Thwarted: Government Plot to Assign Money and Representation to Its Citizens!

2011-02-04T10:21:00.000-08:00

According to this article, New Orleans’ census is down by ELEVEN PERCENT from what it should be. As the story says, our current population is now the same as what it was forty years ago, in 1970! Now, as anyone who actually lives in New Orleans can tell you, the population of the Greater New Orleans Area is really at least as high as it was pre-Katrina. Traffic around town is a worse nightmare than it’s ever been, with even more idiotic drivers encountered than before August 29, 2005. True, there are still plenty of abandoned properties, but in terms of the number of people one actually sees around town, the population seems pretty much where it was pre-K, if not more. And no, I haven’t conducted my own scientific research to determine this. I’m only stating what anyone else around this city can also tell you.

The topic of scientific research brings me to my point. As many heard last year, there was great uproar about government “intrusion” into our personal lives. Many protested in the only way they knew how. No, not by shouting and demonstrating and defying tanks, like in Egypt or Tianamen Square. They defied the government by refusing to do paperwork. Yes, many of us recall the outrage that was fueled by the most insidious, dark and evil intrusion into our lives the world has ever seen: the U.S. Census.

Thanks to those citizens who stuck to the moral high ground and refused to kowtow to probing by the government’s shadowy agents and black helicopters, our city will now lose untold millions of dollars that could have been used for street repair, education, food assistance, city planning, emergency services, public spaces, medical clinics and neighborhood development. Thank you so much, ever-vigilant fellow citizens, for enabling our already third-world community to sink even farther into the nether regions of a backwater economy.

Many at the time of the 2010 Census cried “Intrusion!” and “Invasion of privacy!” and “Communism!” when those red and white forms arrived in their mailboxes (“Red! Just like the Commies!”). Those forthright and sensible citizens refused to fill the forms out and when the sweet little old ladies and soft-spoken gentlemen came by to gather the missing information, those same citizens saw to it that their requests for information went unanswered. Some old lady and gentleman census-takers may have been literally thrown out on their ear at the intrusion. The defiant householders then sat at their dinner tables, self-satisfied at their own actions, all taken in the name of Freedom.

Thanks to you, Louisiana is one of the states that will lose representation in the U.S. House of Representatives and its share of federal revenues because of its “decreased” population. How do “they” know what our population is? BY THE CENSUS! How do “they” know how much money should be allocated to our state and city? BY THE CENSUS!

For those that claim the 2010 census was an invasion of your privacy, let it be known that the census has been taken every ten years for two hundred and twenty years since 1790. It is nothing new! Didn’t you learn about this in high school? I clearly remember learning about the census in civics class in eleventh grade. Does it invade your privacy? I spoke to my census-taker, a kindly, white-haired gentleman about 65 years of age, who wanted to know if I lived at this address and if anyone else lived here. He didn’t ask for my phone number or my social security number or how many credit cards I had or what my favorite sexual position was or the color of the bullets in my guns. He didn’t even ask my name. Nor did he even accept a glass of iced tea I offered. He just wanted to know how many people there were.

How is this an invasion of privacy? For what possible use could there be for this information besides what the census is specifically designed to do, namely, determine the population? For those of you that would ascribe ulterior motives to the U.S. Census, such as finding out secret information that could be used against you, allow me to relate a story. After Hurricane Katrina, I applied for FEMA assistance. In the online application, it gave you a “quiz” to determine that I was indeed who I said I was. It was a multiple-choice quiz with five questions. “Which of the following was your previous…?” The government, specifically FEMA, knew exactly what my phone number was when I was a child, 40 years ago! They knew who my former roommate was from 25 years before. They knew my address from ten years earlier! They knew what kind of car I had driven in 1988. NONE of that information came from any census form!

If you’re worried about “government intrusion,” believe me, it’s too late to worry about that. Every detail of your life is stored away in some database somewhere already. Filling out the census is not going to make the life intrusion any deeper. Of all the dark and insidious ways the government can surreptitiously gather information on your persaonal life, the census is NOT one of them. Judging by the information acquired by the census form, not only is it the most innocuous form of official fact-finding, it is impossible to imagine that the information could ever be used for any purpose other than the stated intent - to gauge the number of people.

So to all you folks who refused to participate in the 2010 Census, thanks for your diligence in keeping our city and state in the third-world backwoods where you clearly feel it belongs. Just don’t complain when the pothole in front of your house doesn’t get fixed. Or when your kid doesn’t learn about the importance of the census because there weren’t enough teachers.

Just in case you didn’t get it by now, if you didn’t participate in the census, you’re a fucking idiot.

Ne'er the Twain Shall Meet, Nor Would He Want To

2011-01-05T09:32:00.001-08:00

Oh America, you slay me!

Today’s episode of ranklement comes from the news that Alan Gribben of Auburn University wants to edit (read: “censor”) Mark Twain’s classic novel “Huckleberry Finn” to remove the word “nigger” and replace it with “slave” or some such nonsense.

This doesn’t bug me. Re-writing literature is nothing new. As far back as the days of Jesus Christ, Hebrew scribes censored the Bible (or Torah, technically) so that God’s name “Jehovah” or “Yahweh” wouldn’t appear out of superstition that it was too sacred to utter. More recently, people have downplayed the events of the Holocaust. How many businesses edit their accounting books for personal gain? Basically, people wanting to re-write history or literature is not surprising. I’m only surprised that it’s taken this long for the apologists to get around to Huck Finn.

My real point is this: the Internet is flaming with people up in arms about this new edition of the book. Thousands, if not millions, are outraged that they want to take the word “nigger” out of classic literature. What kills me is that these same people that are on their soapbox about censorship refuse to use the word “nigger” themselves, even though they’re only quoting Twain, not trying to use it as a slur.

Here are a couple of screen caps from Twitter showing what I mean:

Replacing the word “nigger” with “N word” does nothing to lessen the word’s impact. Instead, such folks are hiding behind a veil of hypocrisy.

Are you censoring yourself and your own right of free speech while lambasting those who would censor? This is the very definition of hypocrisy. Further, you are only giving strength to the cause you are protesting.

Where does it end? Will we censor every “offensive” word, picture, film and pamphlet, hiding behind the guise of not wanting to “offend?” Do you want to live in that monotone beige world? I don’t. America, quit being a bunch of pathetic crybabies and act the way those that fought for your right to say what needs to be said wanted you to. Mark Twain did.

PS- Here's a YouTube link where the comedian describes this quite succinctly (and hilariously): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zuLrBLxbLxw Credit to @dubtea on the Twitters.

Mind In the Gutter

2010-12-29T07:46:00.000-08:00

So a recent incident in town has me rankled. Yesterday, eight youths perished in a fire. The news describes them as “homeless.” Upon deeper research, it becomes apparent that the dead were part of a subculture commonly referred to in New Orleans as “gutter punks.” It is tragic that eight young folks died, and all the more so because their deaths could have been avoided.

“Yes!” I hear you cheer. “It’s a shame that the city isn’t doing more to help these poor, homeless young people!” I can picture you lamenting over your breakfast latte and muffin top. “Those poor people were the victims of an uncaring city!”

No, they weren’t.

Having had many, many interactions with members of the gutter punk subculture, allow me to reveal the real reason of why eight tragic deaths were completely avoidable. Those scruffy, unwashed “homeless” waifs (and their dogs) you step over on the sidewalks of the French Quarter are as far removed from the “homeless” you find at the Ozanam Inn or the New Orleans Mission as those same homeless are from the Southern Yacht Club. They are not down on their luck, impoverished or abused. In twenty years of EMS, I’ve picked up a LOT of gutter punks in my ambulance. The process of running an emergency call and the conversation carried on in the back of the truck affords numerous opportunities to get a pretty clear picture of any particular cross-section of the population. Here are my findings.

Extraordinarily few are local kids. In twenty years of collecting punks from the gutter, I have yet to meet one who was born and raised in New Orleans. Their points of origin are wide and varied, but heavily weighted towards the Northeast. Upon examining their reasons for choosing New Orleans as their preferred destination, apparently it is because New Orleans is well known for the gutter punk “scene” (interesting cycle, eh?). These kids aren’t leaving behind a life of abuse and squalor only to find themselves saddled with a different flavor of abuse and squalor here. No, gutter punks, by and large, come from very affluent, privileged families. And from the information I’ve gleaned, I don’t mean families that are hiding a terrible secret, like incest or beatings or a dead hooker buried in the yard. They come from families where the parents are often still happily married or at least financially successful. On numerous occasions I’ve asked my gutter punk patient “What’s your parents’ phone number?” as part of my report, and the answer was “The phone number to which house? Our house in Manhattan or our summer place in Martha's Vineyard/The Hamptons/Palm Beach?” Upon searching for identification for a patient, I’ve come across countless “platinum,” "diamond” and “black” credit cards (you know, the cards that have no credit limit in sight) with mummy or daddy’s name on them.

So why the “homelessness?” Apparently it’s a big adventure coupled with a rebellious outlook, typical of the teens-to-twenties psyche. Whereas many of us would be happy to fulfill this worldview with a backpacking trip around Europe or Asia, these folks find its fulfillment in living amongst the casual friends, abandoned hovels and handouts that are apparently so abundant in the Big Easy. And apparently there are certain social etiquettes that are required in this culture. The obvious ones are the dirty clothes, unwashed bodies and prevalence of tattoos and piercings. I asked a personal friend, something of a reformed gutter punk, why they eschewed soap and water. Apparently the act of bathing is somehow equated with “the establishment,” which is roundly rejected among the gutter punks. The equivalency of personal hygiene with the mainstream socio-political-cultural image of the general population escapes me, but I’m not one to judge another’s idea of disestablishmentarianism. I merely report. But expand this mentality to fulfilling rent, or doing laundry or (gasp) the evil of paying taxes and perhaps you get an idea of the thinking within those dreadlocked skulls. Surely, though, a comparison could be made to these young folks and the hippies’ communes of the sixties, or even the hobo camps of the Great Depression, which eventually was romanticized in song and screen. “The establishment” seems to be an anchoring phrase between the generations. With such a long history of rebellion against “the establishment,” is it any wonder that today’s young folks choose to conform to traditional non-conformist ways?

Therefore it is pointless to complain that The City That Care Forgot forgot to care. These young folks that chose to brave their way by living on its streets is not a situation for which City Hall can establish an office to “help.” Build all the shelters you want; gutter punks will not come. Offer all the assistance centers you want; the gutter punks’ parents are probably your investors. Those youths want to continue to live out their big adventure, with all its inherent risks and dangers. And I’m not railing against the gutter punks, either; I certainly understand the appeal of going against the system (though I do enjoy a decent shower). But while it is a shame that eight young people died in a fire, please don’t blame it on my city.

Is Christine O'Donnell a Witch?

2010-10-05T07:16:00.000-07:00

There's only one way to find out the truth: if she weighs the same as a duck... A WITCH!

How To Be A Pain In the Ass In the Hospital

2010-09-25T14:00:00.000-07:00

So here’s a fascinating little tidbit from CBS News: How Not to Die in the Hospital. As a critical care nurse, I feel especially qualified to comment on the hilarity that ensues with the perusal of this article when compared to real life. Let’s discuss each recommendation step by step, shall we?

The first two pages discuss the terrible possibility that you may die if you’re in the hospital. This is true. I’ve seen patients die unnecessarily myself. No arguments here. The vast majority of complications from hospital stays, however, do not involve death. Most patients have pain or vomiting or diarrhea, at worst. They may have a bad hospital experience, but in the end, they get better. Sorry for the un-fun visit, but you’re better. Mission accomplished.

Page three talks about hand washing. “If you do not see your clinician wash their hands, ask,” Dr. Pronovost recommends. Very good idea, Doc. In all my years as a clinician, I have had exactly two patients bother to ask if I had washed my hands. I had, but was happy to do so again right in front of them. In both cases, the patients who were so concerned with my hands didn’t give a hoot about their family members who came to visit them and touched not only their skin, but the IV’s, central lines, wound dressings and whatever else was attached to them. Big signs that say “CONTACT PRECAUTIONS - DO NOT ENTER THIS ROOM WITHOUT A GOWN AND GLOVES” and protective equipment located right outside a patient’s room are summarily ignored by the dozens of visitors encrusted in God-knows-what filth they’ve brought from the outside world. Patients don't mind if their visitors slobber all over them after they've just arrived from a cholera party, but God forbid if a staff member didn't wash their hands for the three hundredth time that shift.

On page four of the article I find it hysterical that patients are encouraged to ask if they still need the breathing tube (speaking is a physical impossibility with one). But their point is the possible route of infection from catheters and other invasive devices. Here’s the thing: old people are more likely to be in the hospital. When they get that catheter, it’s like a godsend to them. They don’t have to get out bed to pee, they’re dry & comfy. They beg for the catheter to remain. If the mean ol’ nurse has the nerve to remove said catheter, they still don’t want to get out of bed and pee all over themselves and get bedsores from the constant moisture. So you’re damned if you do, damned if you don’t.

Page five recommends you stay at least at a thirty degree angle if you’re on a ventilator. Agreed, this is very necessary to prevent pneumonia! Can you please explain that to the family members that go all willy-nilly with the bed positioning controls and keep laying their loved ones flat “because it doesn’t seem real comfortable sitting up like that”?

On page six, they recommend easing anxiety or pain without being sedated. Um, you DO realize that ALL anti-anxiety medications have sedative properties, right? And, um, except for Tylenol and NSAIDS, all narcotic pain meds are sedating to some degree, ya know? Further, rare is the patient who does NOT want the absolute strongest medications in their highest possible dose. Most patients with “chronic pain” have already hardened their nervous systems with constant prescription narcotics at home so that even ridiculous doses that would tranquilize a stampeding elephant have no effect on them. We could shoot uncut heroin directly into their brains and they’d beg for more.

Page seven - the “specialist” page! Lemme tell ya - if you’re in the ICU, you have a specialist. In fact, you probably have so many specialists, that the doctors and nurses aren’t sure whom to call if there’s a question about your care. Did you have a stroke, but now you have an infection? The conversation outside of your room probably goes like this: “Hi, Doctor Smith? The stroke patient in room 6 also has the flu. What do you want to do? Call the Infectious Disease specialist? OK. *Ring* Hello, Dr. Brown, the stroke patient in room 6 has the flu and Dr. Smith asked that I call you... You’re not a stroke specialist? I know...but... what? Call the patient’s primary care doctor? Well, you see, his doctor is in Bumfuck, Egypt and... *Click*... hello? Hello?” Also, with the chronic shortage of beds and staff in hospitals, you may be in the ICU simply because they had an open bed, not because you need intensive care, and with the staffing problems facing hospitals, your nurse (or doctor[s]) may well be right out of school, ink still drying on their diploma. So good luck with that.

Page eight deals with central line infections. Dunno what to tell you about that. Lots of folks have central lines and despite best practices, they still can get infected. Roll the dice.

Page nine and ten are two of my favorite pages. “The Deadly Blood Clot”! Yes they can kill or create a stroke or heart attack. TED stockings and SCD’s (sequential compression devices) help prevent them. Interestingly, about five minutes after the nurse fits the stockings over the patient’s legs and applies the SCD’s, the patient usually starts complaining that they don’t like them and take them off and it makes my legs feel hot and can you take these off... and so on. Explaining their use and the horrible consequences that they prevent falls on deaf or at least unimaginative ears. The theoretical killer blood clod seems far less important than the tight stockings and swooshing SCD’s. If they relent and leave the things on while the nurse is in the room, you can bet your bottom dollar that they’ll take them off as soon as the nurse leaves. If a visiting family member gets wind of it, they’ll hustle to take the things off themselves, then file a complaint that the nurse “wouldn’t listen” to the patient. Interestingly, the patients who don’t even need the TED’s and SCD’s, those folks who are fully mobile and reasonably healthy, are the ones most likely to keep them on.

Page eleven deals with “Drugs Gone Wrong.” Yep, it happens. One of the problems is when nurses and pharmacists have to translate SCJsjdhyt^*%nv[f written in doctor handwriting hieroglyphics into actual words. Think computerized charting will help? Guess again. The patched-together ad hoc code that most medical charting software is written in frequently crashes or inserts errors into medication names or dosages, or medications may suddenly simply disappear from your chart. Thank your nurses, who are diligent to spot errors and excel at doing so, that you actually get the medications to help you get better. So cut them a little slack if you miss a dose of brain heroin.

The last recommendation talks about communication. Ask questions, express your thoughts, get involved, blah blah blah. You want to know what most patients think of as “communication”? “I need more pain meds!” “Why can’t I have some food?” “Nurse! I just shit all over the bed!” "You guys suck!" If you carefully explain why the patient is not due for any more pain meds five minutes after heroin was injected into his brain, or why the patient whose intestines are rotting from the inside cannot have food, the response will be “But ‘they’ said I could have fried chicken/a narcotic fountain/cases of Dom Perignon. You just don’t want to be bothered with me.”

Sometimes, we don’t. We just suck.

Any Retard Can Be a Super-Brain

2010-08-20T07:23:00.000-07:00

Ok - I’m amazed. I’m amazed that the media, the locals, university researchers and mega-intellects are stunned at the “disappearance” of BP’s oil in the Gulf of Mexico. I am even more amazed at their shock at finding the missing oil below the water’s surface. The big story this week is the discovery of untold volumes of oil drifting beneath the surface of the Gulf.

“Wait a minute,” I hear you gasp. “Oil beneath the water? Drifting along? Not on the surface?” You apparently are not alone in your astonishment. Super-mega-brainiac Christopher Reddy was equally shocked at the revelation as described in this article from NPR. “Doesn’t oil float?” he asks, echoing your incredulousness as well as that of countless other people with functioning brains.

Well, as we all know, oil does indeed float. So why is this oil not floating on the surface? What mysterious physics have turned our safe, grammar-school imagery of “lighter than water” oil on it’s metaphorical ear?

Now here is the source of MY shock: Virtually since day one of the oil spill, it has been no secret that BP has been dousing the oil with Corexit, an oil “dispersant.” We have seen numerous images of planes flying over the oil spill with tons of Corexit being dispersed upon the oil. Millions of people viewed the live camera focused on the source of the oil disaster, the spewing wellhead of the broken rig. In the foreground of every frame was the nozzle one of BP’s submersibles, spraying an unbroken stream of Corexit directly into the escaping petroleum. Panic along the gulf coast has ensued in recent weeks over the possible toxicity of the millions of gallons of Corexit that accompanies the oil.

Why am I shocked? Along with the common knowledge of the deployment of Corexit since day one, the purpose of Corexit was also announced. Corexit is a “dispersant.” It is specifically designed to make oil sink. I does not make oil disappear; it does not consume oil, it does not neutralize oil in any way. It only makes oil heavier. Any retard with a web browser can research this. Even Corexit’s manufacturer, Nalco, says exactly this. Corexit makes the oil sink below the surface of the water. Granted, it also says that the oil “biodegrades” after sinking. Also true, bacteria and other microbes MAY decide that the oil is tasty enough to feast on, thereby biodegrading it. But the Corexit itself does nothing to promote biodegrading. It merely makes the oil sink out of sight.

Brainiacs, mega-intellects, university professors, media people - WHAT PART OF THAT DID YOU MISS? The oil went nowhere, other than a few thousand feet below the surface. Why are you all shocked that the oil is floating around in the gulf beneath the surface? I can say one thing for BP, they did not lie about spraying Corexit everywhere. Since the first knowledge that the oil spill was developing, they told us, even sent us videos of Corexit fumigating the gulf. The Corexit did exactly what it was supposed to do - make the oil sink, thereby keeping it out of sight and hopefully out of mind, protecting BP’s rainbow-and-unicorns reputation.

I’m shocked and dismayed that so many fell prey to this sleight-of-hand, this tragic subterfuge that BP tried to con us with. It is as if a shell-game street con-artist told us “I’m going to hide the ball up my sleeve,” and you were still dumb enough to guess that the ball was under one of the shells! Now as those millions of barrels of oil make their way throughout one of the most vital ecosystems of the western hemisphere, it makes me wonder how many other cons slip our notice, as well as the tragic consequences in which they will result.

Survival of the Stupidest

2010-06-14T11:34:00.000-07:00

If you’ve ever wondered what sort of stupidity medical professionals have to put up with, why they grouse and moan and bitch and complain about the idiocy with which they have to deal, why ambulance workers have such a high burn-out rate and emergency room staff have such a high stress level, this is a perfect example.

http://to.ly/56J3

This little princess shot herself in the shoulder to get “medical care” for some unclear previous shoulder problem. As you watch the video, a couple of things might stand out. How, precisely, will a gunshot wound, in addition to whatever old pre-existing problem is there, make things better? Did you suspect that an emergency department staff will attempt to fix every possible little problem you have just because you walked in the door with a flesh wound?

You complain that you can’t afford medical insurance. Sister, allow me to inquire how much money you spend on cigarettes and tattoos? Seeing as you couldn’t wait for five minutes till the interview was over to light up a fag, I imagine you have a pretty hefty tobacco budget. Here’s a hint- putting that cash toward a medical insurance premium will cover the cost, plain and simple.

Seeing as you’re so concerned with the health of your shoulder, if not the rest of your body, what’s up with leaving two open wounds exposed for every infectious agent to grab a bite? Letting your dog lick it is not exactly the gold standard of antiseptic (as I imagine you let your dog do.)

One more thing - you do realize that everywhere there are free clinics. Just waltz on in, tell them what’s wrong, and you get free care that I have the privilege of paying for from my taxes to keep your stupid ass alive. Ironically, she may serve jail time for the illegal discharge of a firearm, and guess who gets to pay for her medical care in jail? Yep, you, the taxpayer.

Do us a favor sweetheart, don’t shoot yourself in the shoulder. Do it in the head. Real soon.

2010 Hurricane Names & Predictions

2010-06-01T07:07:00.000-07:00

2010 Hurricane names & predictions:

Alex (big hooplah, no problems),

Bonnie (tropical storm- who cares),

Colin (fizzle),

Danielle (Keys, watch out),

Earl (Gulf churner, more BP lies),

Fiona (evacuation),

Gaston (tropical storm but scary news broadcasts)

Hermine (Central America problem),

Igor (really? Igor?),

Julia (Wind damage),

Karl (fizzle),

Lisa (watch out - God's answer to the gays),

Matthew (New England) ,

Nicole (Late-season scare),

Otto (fizzle),

Paula (East Coast),

Richard (nobody realizes it exists),

Shary (oh, please!),

Tomas (never happens),

Virginie (never happens),

Walter (never happens)

Since NOLA.com deleted my comment - here it is! (You know it's good when it's deleted!)

2010-04-21T07:52:00.000-07:00

Jazz Fest first timers- Bring tons of cash. That's just for the admission.
If you want food or water, have a friend lug tons more cash.
Scope out a sweet spot near a stage and rope it off with constantine wire. Then prepare your insults for the dirty ugly hippies and wannabe hippies that cut down your constantine wire so they could grab your spot.
Make sure to buy some souvenirs - get ugly crap that you wouldn't want your family to find when you die. It won't be hard to find. Also splurge on a poster - only like $150 for a postcard-size print.
Unless you're really, really, REALLY adventurous, poop before you go.
Even if you are that adventurous, poop before you go. (Seriously)
Bring a dictionary or thesaurus so you can find the words to describe the odor of the people next to you.
Check the schedule ahead of time for which washed-up performers who have nothing to do with Louisiana jazz or heritage are scheduled to play their music badly.
Or - find some friends having a crawfish boil or barbecue, head over there and put on some actually good jazz or Louisiana music to hear. Enjoy your friends air-conditioning. Bring beer or cocktails which will be a twentieth of the price as at Jazz Fest. When it rains, lament how you'll miss the only good entertainment at Jazz Fest, people slipping in the mud. Enjoy.

From the Journalism textbook chapter titled "You Can Make Anything Sound Like News"

2010-04-10T15:59:00.000-07:00

Plane crash in Russia, 132 people dead including the President of Poland. This is the best news update they could come up with?

The Science of Apathy (Or Maybe the Science Fiction of Apathy)

2010-03-01T12:06:00.001-08:00

The Science of Apathy (Or Maybe the Science Fiction of Apathy)

I love sci-fi. I love real life too. It’s always so much fun when I watch sci-fi movies about aliens and space travelers and such. They’re always trying to blend in with their disguises and their shape-shifting ways, only to be foiled by keen-eyed civilians or “the government.” Earth survives another day. Yay.

But then it comes down to real life. I’d love to believe in actual extraterrestrials. But I don’t. Why? I haven’t seen any. Nor have you. Or have we? How many times have you seen someone on the street that was just so ugly or deformed or unearthly beautiful? Did it ever cross your mind that they might be an alien? Of course not. Me neither. But here’s a fun thought: what if they are? I’m sure psychologists would say that our minds simply try to incorporate the unusual into our usual frames of reference. For example, a time-displaced caveman might refer to a helicopter as some sort of bird (remember that movie?). Likewise, we would probably just think of an alien as a different-looking human. We’d just say “Oh, they must just have Down Syndrome,” or “What a an unfortunate birth defect, having a head shaped like the Sydney opera house. She should get surgery for that.”

Which brings me back to sci-fi. Remember when Captain Kirk and crew returned to the 1980’s to retrieve their humpback whales? The Shat ordered his crew to remove their Starfleet insignia. Why? Who would care? Mr. Spock wore that bandana thing to hide his ears. Really? What was the point? (Pardon the pun.) I’ve seen lots of people with weird-shaped ears but it never once entered my mind that they might be an alien. I’d venture to say that you, dear reader, have done the same.

I’ve been a paramedic and a nurse for nearly twenty years. Many, many times I’ve listened to patients’ chests and heard heart tones on the right side as well as the left, or heard breath sounds when listening to an abdomen. Breath sounds in a belly or heart tones on the right side are exactly what you shouldn’t hear. But I never suspected that they might be a timelord like Dr. Who or other such alien with two hearts or otherworldly arranged internal architecture. I just figured that my stethoscope was really sensitive or the patient’s chest was particularly resonant.

The sci-fi show that I think strikes the nail on the head psychology-wise is “Invader Zim”, a Nickelodeon cartoon that only ran for a couple of seasons. In it, Zim is a green-skinned alien with no ears and pink eyes who lives in a freakish house. He goes to great lengths to disguise himself as he plots to annihilate the world. Zim needn’t bother. The only person who believes he is an alien is Dib. Everyone else is convinced Dib is insane. All the rest of humanity is completely apathetic about the unusual happenings surrounding Zim.

That’s pretty much how humanity really is. I don’t think that there are extraterrestrials living among us; which, if you’re an extraterrestrial, is the perfect disguise. The folks that believe in aliens are the “fringe” people, and they proclaim their stories of abduction and insidious alien plots between doses of Seroquel behind the revolving door of their psychiatric facility. What if they're actually right? Like I said, I’d like to believe in aliens, but I don’t. Does that make me as apathetic as the rest of the world? Probably, but I don’t particularly want to spend my days behind that revolving door in a Seroquel happy place.

So is there a happy medium? Can a normal person find a compromise between boring, sane apathy and the men in the white coats? Just for fun, next time you see someone unusual-looking, imagine that they might actually be an alien, instead of an unfortunate soul whose eyes are too far apart or in need of a good plastic surgeon to take care of that tail or proboscis. Just the other day, I saw a man who was odd-looking (I say he was a “man,” but who knows?) His eyes were really far apart and his skin was an odd shade, sort of like you would get by putting too much butter on burnt toast. His ears were odd too, almost star-shaped. My first thought? Some black guy born with fetal alcohol syndrome. My second thought? He could be an alien and no one else realizes, or cares! The second thought, that he might be an alien, was so much more fun than the depressing disease process thought! Try it! Just be careful who you talk to about it.

See you in the asylum!

Acutely Aware, Chronically Oblivious - The Stupidity of Awareness

2009-12-01T19:20:00.000-08:00

So today, December 1st, has been World AIDS Day. That’s exciting. My only question is how, exactly, does one celebrate or even observe World AIDS Day? I don’t think anyone got the day off work. If anyone was holding backyard barbecues, it seems unlikely that such an event was preceded by the invitation “Hey Joe, I’m having an AIDS barbecue and I wanted to invite you since you’re... you know, all AIDS-y and stuff. It might go on late so bring your meds.”

In researching the topic of the various “awareness days” (or weeks, months, whatever), I came across many fascinating situations of which someone, somewhere felt that the rest of the world should be made more keenly aware of. I’m sure that everyone with AIDS deeply appreciates having the spotlight on their disease, rather than their accomplishments or personalities. Likewise, how thrilling is it that on May 19 we have World Hepatitis Day? I'll drink to that... oh wait- sorry! If it makes you too depressed that you have hepatitis, perhaps you might want to wait till March 1 for National Self-Injury Awareness Day before you do anything rash. Is it just me, or does it seem to you that granting all the attention-whores who cut themselves an entire day to, well, pay attention to them, is ridiculously self-serving and manipulative? How darkly clever of them to get a whole national day devoted to their attention-seeking.

Having nearly any disease will get you your own day to be lavished with metaphorical, if not literal, attention. For instance, buy a gift for National Aplastic Anemia and MDS Awareness Week, perhaps a nice bottle of vitamins. Thise folks would likely do well by paying a little more attention to Folic Acid Awareness Week. Not to be left out are other conditions, such as World Cancer Day, Feb. 4 ("Hey Dad! Happy Cancer Day! Did they give you your free chemo today?"); World Diabetes Day on Nov. 14, (candy is an appropriate gift); Metastatic Breast Cancer Awareness Day on Oct 13 (not to be confused with Breast Cancer Awareness Month, also in October, or with the aforementioned World Cancer Day). Boobs do seem to get an inordinate amount of attention, don’t they? Fortunately, the men aren’t left out - they have Testicular Cancer Awareness Week (not a whole month like the girls get, and no ribbons but we do get a crappier website). And don’t forget that the voices inside your head are telling you to observe Schizophrenia Awareness Day on May 24. Observe it or “they” will kill you! (Not if you kill them first, right?)

In addition to the myriad of diseases, neuroses and general malaises that have days assigned to be nauseatingly aware of, there is no shortage of "awareness" time for just about every special-interest minority under the sun. November is Native American Awareness Month. The aged get May as Older Americans Month. I can totally get behind Better Speech and Hearing Month, also in May (GRANDMA! IT’S OLDER AMERICANS MONTH!” “What’s that, sonny?”) Convenient, eh?

February is Black History Month. March 8 is International Women’s Day. In June we observe Deaf-Blind Awareness Week (How does a blind person observe anything?) Latinos have their own month in April. Latinos with AIDS double-dip in awareness on Oct. 15 on Latinos with AIDS Awareness Day. Actually they triple-dip in April, Oct 15 and Dec 1. Even the homeless get their week to bask in the sun (since they can’t go inside, I guess) in November. And of course, every day you go to the store is Handicap Awareness Day, since they of the Holy Blue Stickers get the best parking spots.

In all the stuff that the rest of the world wants us to be aware of, among all the spotlights shining down on every disease, minority, ethnicity, infirmity and age, there is one awareness that is glaringly obvious by its absence. On what day is Average White Guys With Jobs And No Crippling Illnesses Day? I don’t ever remember seeing such a thing on the calendar. Isn’t it time that we got our own awareness day? Every day of the year is taken up with some observance of some group with some miserable story, whether they’ve been oppressed, sickened, molested, infected, neglected, used, abused, or otherwise hard-done by. Is it SO hard to have a little tribute to the Caucasians who go to work every day, support their families, don’t kick puppies or Hispanics, pay their taxes and cut the grass on weekends? Seriously, we don’t even need a whole month of awareness; a single day would be sufficient. You could even make it on Leap Day, Feb 29, which only comes every four years. It wouldn’t have to be a big huge national tickertape parade. All you’d need to do is say “Hey, there goes that white guy, off to work again, keeping the country going. Thanks, dude.”

Civil Rights - You Have the Right to Create Chaos

2009-09-06T14:33:00.000-07:00

NOPD is under federal investigation for their actions in the days after Katrina. Apparently there is a question as to whether citizen's civil rights were violated during that time. The police stand accused of murder and harassing people after the storm, violating their civil rights.

My response: I beg your pardon? A few dozen COPS are under investigation? They were the baddies? Have we simply completely overlooked the "citizens" involved? I was very much in the thick of things post-Katrina. Rescue helicopters had to abort operations at least twice because the "citizens" were firing guns at the helicopters, as well at fire trucks, National Guard and police vehicles. As I rode in the back of a military truck on several occasions, we had to make our way around the THOUSANDS of "citizens" who were looting businesses, stealing whatever vestiges of civilization remained. At the Superdome for three days, we had to care for at least three pre-adolescent girls who were raped by the "citizens." My house was looted by "citizens."

The police had no contact with the outside world or their superiors. None of us did. We were living in a post-apocalyptic nightmare, trying to survive. There was no law or order to keep, the "citizens" had seen to it that anarchy was the order of the day. None of us knew when or if help was going to come; for all we knew the rest of the world had written off New Orleans as lost and gone.

I ask you, what would you have done? When you fear for your life because of the angry, lawless "citizens" who outnumber you ten thousand to one, when they pick you out of the crowd to terrorize you because of the uniform you wear, how would anyone react?

Why are we not investigating the "citizens" that created the situation? It seems that the citizen's instruction manual for an anarchic city (provided by the feds) must read: "Do whatever you want. Loot, rape, pillage, kill - anything you want. If any duly-appointed law enforcement use any action to stop you, we'll have their head on a platter. This is your civil right."

The news article makes post-Katrina New Orleans sound like NOPD opened fire in a hospital ward full of children. There was nothing sterile or clinical or innocent about any of the circumstances or the "citizens" during that time. The investigators were obviously not here in New Orleans. I have a love-hate relationship with the police, but they are not the ones to be blamed for their actions during that disaster. It is the "citizens" who created the situation requiring NOPD's actions.

This Is SOOO Freaking Exciting!

2009-08-21T01:58:00.000-07:00

Totally awesome! Scientists have discovered new species of worms that live over a mile under the sea! My life is utterly changed! Everything is different now. When the bill collectors call I can now simply say "Hey! Haven't you heard? Swima bombiviridis is now known! How can you possibly be interested in cash after an announcement of such magnitude?"

Y'all, thank you for this overwhelming joy in my life right now. All is perfect in the world.

Swine Foolishness

2009-05-02T15:12:00.000-07:00

Seriously? CNN is lamenting the panic that has apparently set in as people begin to flood emergency departments because of swine flu fears? Are they kidding us with this? CNN and every other media outlet around CAUSED this panic! It is impossible to pick up a newspaper, turn on a TV or radio or log onto a web page without seeing "swine flu" panic-mongering.

Media people, don't even try to tell me that you haven't been deliberately trying to induce public panic. At the very moment this article was featured on CNN's website, there were no fewer than ten other articles about swine flu, including "Gas Masks Next Step in Flu Fight," "Number of Confirmed H1N1 Cases Soars" and "Developers Create Swine Flu App for iPhone." How is having eleven swine flu articles with sensationalist headlines NOT fostering panic?

At the same time, Reuter's also had at least ten references to the flu, one notable headline being "Not Scared of Flu Yet?" MSNBC had a whopping fifteen articles dedicated to panicking the masses, including flu references in its "Entertainment" section.

Interestingly, on the home page for the Center for Disease Control, there were only three references to the flu. The most dramatic of those links was merely labeled "CDC Responds to H1N1 Flu Outbreak Among Humans." Refreshingly dull, in my opinion.

Media - we get it: the flu is going around. Please don't put up articles acting like you're shocked because people are panicking. You caused this. It'd be nice to send the medical bills to the local news outlets, wouldn't it?
Thanks, media types. Enough. Please shut up now.

Murder Most Heinous

2008-12-01T10:23:00.000-08:00

I'm not one to judge, but in my opinion those who deliberately murder deserve the death sentence, no if's, and's or but's. Therefore I find it odd that apparently murder now has a rating system that one might compare with the popularity vote one might find on "American Idol" or some similar pop-culture reference. In this article, genocide is listed by the reporter as the word's most heinous crime. However Christiane Amanpour has spent her career traveling to the sites of genocidal events the world over. Does it seem to you that one who chooses to obsess over one particular form of murder might logically deduce that their particular OCD trigger is the most important one?

To be fair to other forms of murder I Googled "most heinous crime." Child molestation ranked right up there. There are those that think being a bad mother is the world's most heinous crime, citing a reference comparing the murder of the child with the bad mother. Guess what? The bad mom got a harsher sentence than did the actual child murderer! The BBC at least gets back into the murder arena, calling the killing of prostitutes "most heinous." (Really? Dead hookers?) If you look at some groups, terrorist attacks are the most heinous of crimes.

True, everything mentioned above is heinous. But is seems that the popularity of what is considered "most" heinous is in the eyes of the beholder. And obviously the beholder has a certain OCD about their particular field of interest (e.g. the guy who thinks killing hookers is the worst). I found it interesting that in the Google pages I checked, notably missing from the list were abortion, elderly abuse, drunk driving and slavery. It sounds like these crimes need more vocal advocates! Perhaps we could start a reality TV show where the public could text their responses for the most heinous crime? Wouldn't that be fun? ("To vote for terrorism text 'terror.' To vote for dead prostitutes text '50dollar.') Or even better, a caged wrestling match between the people who think their pet crime is the most heinous. I'd pay-per-view the match between the one who thinks bad moms are the worst vs. the one who think child molestation is worst. Naturally, such a match would be to the death.

Now THAT would a good heinous crime!

I Hate to Burst Your Bubble But...

2008-11-05T00:42:00.000-08:00

It’s 11:22 pm and I’m at work. Barak Obama has just been elected the next president of the United States. Good for him. He obviously had plenty of supporters as well as the message that most Americans wanted to hear. He has been very gracious throughout the entire election, and has set an excellent example in campaign policy. I don’t expect him to gloat publicly over his win.

On the other hand, I have already encountered a (hopefully) small cadre of voters of varying persuasions voicing their opinion on the election. I checked out the comments on Nola.com and note two polar opposites of reactions. Some supporters of Obama gloat maliciously on his victory. Some McCain supporters bitterly predict the utter downfall of the country and pronounce their desire to leave, which is egged on by the Obamans. The normally nasty tones of racism have risen on Nola.com to a frightening crescendo. Several of my black friends have repeated multiple times in the same conversation to me that Obama won and made sure I noticed the blazing neon sign that Obama will be the first African-American president. Other black folks I’ve encountered on the street were overheard on their cell phones declaring “their” victory.

I would like to point out some illogic to the opinions I’ve highlighted here. First, though not exactly a point of illogic, yes, Obama will be the first African-American president. It has however, been pointed out since the days of the Emancipation Proclamation that one day, a black man would sit in the White House. After a hundred and fifty years, this will now happen. My point is that we all knew that sooner or later there would be a black President of the United States. Everyone knew this would happen eventually, so why is it a big deal that it happened today? It is akin to saying that one day there will be an earthquake in California or a blizzard in Denver. We know it was going to happen; so what? Let’s just hope he is up to the task, regardless of his heritage.

Another point highlighted above is the black locals declaring “their” victory. I note two instances of illogic in this. First, the African-American community, though vocal, is in fact still a minority in the United States. If every single black voter voted for Obama, and only fifty percent of the European-American constituency voted for McCain, McCain would have carried the majority of the popular vote. But this did not happen. Why? Because the majority of the white vote was also for Obama. Obama was elected because white voters elected him. It is therefore illogical for African-American voters to claim victory for “their” candidate because of their vote when he was actually elected because of an overwhelming white majority. However, it is encouraging to see the black community so enthused about the electoral process, particularly since this segment of America has been historically lackluster when it comes to voting.

Secondly on the same point, locals in New Orleans or anywhere in Louisiana, cannot technically claim victory for electing Obama, since the state’s electoral college elected McCain. Though there are some vehement Obama supporters, overall, McCain took Louisiana in the popular vote, which means his state electors selected him in the electoral college (which is actually the real election). Since it’s fresh in your mind, remember how at the polling place there were the presidential candidates' names and nine names in smaller print below each name? Those are the electors’ names. Louisiana has nine electors; this number is based on our population. When you vote, you actually say, ‘I want those nine people to select my candidate.’ McCain voters actually selected McCain’s nine people, who in turn said ‘McCain is the guy Louisiana wants as president.’ Since more people selected McCain’s nine electors than selected Obama’s nine electors, the electoral college from Louisiana chose McCain in the real election - the electoral college selection. Therefore, though Obama’s supporters have every right to cheer for his winning, he did NOT win because of Louisiana voters, so it is illogical for Louisiana voters to regard his victory as their victory.

Third is a point that I am astounded I feel I must remind people of. Though Obama’s campaign slogan was “Vote for change,” and that word, “change” was malleted into everyone’s heads at every opportunity, such a campaign promise has been the foundation of every politician’s campaign since democracy was invented. How many campaign promises have been uttered, only to go unfulfilled? For example, does anyone remember “Read my lips; no new taxes”? Several years later, that campaign promise was proven false. No doubt, Mr. Obama has excellent ideas for changes in government. But is must be kept in mind that the presidency is only one branch of our government. The president is not king or dictator. The Legislative and Judicial branches of the federal government exist specifically to provide checks and balances on the Executive branch, so that the Executive branch, the President, cannot rule the country alone. The President cannot simply say “today I decree that you will pay this much in taxes.” That exact situation happened over two hundred and thirty years ago, resulting in the American colonies declaring their independence from Britain and the Revolutionary War. It will not happen again without a similar war. Instead of sweeping, overnight changes in government, life will go on exactly as it has for you and me for years. We will continue to pay bills, raise children, have family get-togethers, go to work, be born and die as we always have. This will continue for the next four years and for millenia after that.

Finally, before anyone throws the “bitter grapes” card or the “racism” card at me, let it be known that I voted for neither Barak Obama nor John McCain. I voted for an “also-ran” candidate because I believed he had the best ideas for America. I was under no illusion that he would win, and was hoping that of the two front-runner candidates, Obama would win. Since I knew Ron Paul wouldn’t win, I feel Barak Obama is a good second choice for me, better than McCain. I am happy that he won. As I stated earlier, I am very pleased that black Americans have taken such a passionate interest in their government and hope it persists. I hope that the cretinous comments I have read and heard are from only a small, rude percentage of the population. I can only hope that both McCain and Obama supporters can be as gracious as both Obama is in victory and McCain is in defeat. No one likes a sore loser. And absolutely no one likes a sore winner.

Top 10 Good Thing Regardless of Who Wins

2008-11-03T02:07:00.000-08:00

I totally know my "also-ran" Presidential candidate is not going to win. Hence I've compiled a list of the "Top Ten" good things that will happen depending on the certain outcome of the election, no matter which candidate wins. Enjoy.

Top ten good things if McCain & Palin win:

10. Tina Fey has four years of steady work at SNL.
9. Free elk & moose hunting licenses for all.
8. Democrats sulk for four more years.
7. We get to petition the government for a bailout whenever we’re overdrawn (precedent, right?)
6. We explore the U.S. like Lewis and Clark because other countries want to kill Americans.
5. Satellite photos of Russians looking across the Bering Strait saying “I can’t see her house. What is she talking about?”
4. Revolving door at Mexican border furnished with plush carpeting and string orchestra.
3. George W. Bush captured by Iraquis and exiled to Isle of Elba, Napoleon-style.
2. Great Britain declares independence from United States.
1. David Letterman and Jay Leno have awesome monologs while Sarah Palin in office.

Top 10 good things if Obama & Biden win:

10. The look on welfare recipients faces who voted for Obama when they are now expected to get jobs.
9. The look on Obama’s face when welfare recipients refuse to get jobs.
8. Canada welcomes rich folks seeking tax refuge with open arms.
7. Other countries not quite so dangerous to visit.
6. Christians get first-hand experience dealing with those mysterious Muslims.
5. Huge reduction in military spending because the U.S. can’t afford it anymore, what with all the Socialist...er...”domestic” spending.
4. Everyone who shops at The Gap can look like the first lady. (4a. Fifth Avenue elite stores go out of business and the neighborhood becomes far more interesting.)
3. Revolving door at Mexican border replaced with one-way door into US, but no plush carpet or orchestra. Driver’s licenses handed out upon entry.
2. Universal healthcare clinics staffed by Obama voters. Affordable Chinese herbal medicines, rhinoceros tusks and chakri stones are the standard of care.
1. Russia, Cuba & China are our new best friends forever. Long live Obamunism!

Worse Than Katrina, Ike and the Stock Market Plunge

2008-09-17T11:13:00.000-07:00

Apparently a bunch of bees have colonized three units of slum housing in Miami. And apparently part of the tragedy is there's a baby somewhere around, as evidenced by one of the interviewees decreeing "we can't have dese stuffs around." Because, you know, bees are so well-known to establish colonies within the aforementioned babies.

Another person interviewed says "I have seen a lot of things in my life, but I have never seen nothing so devastating as this," referring to the beehive. Yes, readers, there we have it. Despite what you think about hurricanes on the gulf which kill hundreds, tsunamis that destroy thousands, wildfires that consume hundreds of miles of forests and towns or the earthquakes that threaten to split countries in two, none of that compares with the "devastation" inherent in having a colony of bees in the wall of a house in the ghetto. The same day this video was posted, the Dow Jones Industrial Average plummeted over 400 points in one day. The government has already doubled our national debt by bailing out Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac and the situation will be even worse if AIG also gets bailed out. Problematic for our society and economy? Sure. But holy mother of God above, it pales in comparison to the havoc wreaked by these three beehives!

One of the expert entomologists in the video declares "If you attract bees, they'll come at you and they could kill you!" It is fascinating that this statement comes as we watch Adrian Valero, the bee wrangler, pile the bees into a bucket and chop away at the hive with a hatchet, unstung and unharmed after hours of work. Perhaps the "expert" interviewed had in mind the awful death that ensues around age 95 after being stung when you're 20.

It occurs to this writer that the bee industry might be overjoyed to find not one but three healthy, thriving colonies of honeybees in the face of the mysterious bee plague that has decimated domestic colonies lately. Such colonies can be transplanted and used to bolster or replace dying ones helping to recoup some of 15 billion dollars at stake from the bee industry alone. But I am obviously wrong, wrong, wrong. These thriving beehives are "terrible, just terrible." The worst part of the "devastation?" There's no one for the occupants of the houses to sue in some frivolous but profitable lawsuit. I'm sure they'll think of something, though.

New Mayor Ray Nagin Pinata!

2008-09-14T21:07:00.000-07:00

There is a new Halloween treat out this year! Chocolate City Industries would like to announce the availability of the new Mayor Ray Nagin Piñata! The papier maché figure is a fun treat that all can enjoy, both children and voters alike! The enormous head is suspended above all the mere mortals in an appropriate position from which to supervise and “monitor” the piñata party. Imagine the fun to be had by all as they beat Nagin about the face and head with long sticks!

But the fun doesn't end there. Just like it's namesake, it doesn't take much for the Mayor Ray Nagin Piñata to release its treats that party-goers and media personalities can chew on for a long, long time! To cut down on weight, the head is mostly empty, but the mouth part of the piñata is filled with goodness. Yes, after the fun of whacking Nagin's head for a while, the mouth opens and spills out a seemingly endless torrent of sweets with virtually no nutritional value!

From the Mayor Ray Nagin Piñata, there comes a delightful assortment of treats. You'll find no shortage of chocolate bars – Chunky's, Nestle's, Milky Ways and Hershey's (with and without nuts). As a unique feature, the piñata will also gush forth with fortune cookies, all featuring a classic Nagin gem as a fortune. “New York can't fix a hole in the ground,” “By the end of the day, this will be a Chocolate City,” “Everything is the media's fault,” and the latest Naginism, “Just ask for the Ray Nagin special” are among the fortunes you'll find. Trade with your friends and collect them all!

With the new Mayor Ray Nagin Piñata, you'll find that piñatas aren't just for kids anymore! Everyone's fantasies are indulged with the ability to physically beat Nagin as well as a Category 5 tempest of delicious sayings right from his mouth! Also available soon from Chocolate City Industries is the Mayor Ray Nagin Piñata Mark II, which features the Mayor's foot already inserted in the mouth. In addition, soon you can look for the Stealth Piñata – an image of the mayor's spokeswoman, Ceeon Quiett. The Stealth Piñata makes a great gag gift to give to anyone who appreciates an ironic sense of humor. You can poke her, beat her and otherwise coerce her, but she'll never let anything fall from her mouth (for advanced piñata users only).

If you're one of the first 500 to order, we'll throw in a piñata stick with which to beat the Mayor Ray Nagin Piñata. This is no ordinary stick; it's guaranteed to make the Nagin-beating experience 100% more enjoyable! How, you ask? It's tipped with a replica of the “Courage and Leadership in Recovery” award! But wait, that's not all! If you order now, we'll include free of charge a sheaf of apology letters from various city government and business associations addressed to anyone who might be injured or offended by Nagin's droppings. Get one today!

Nola.com Needs to Remove the "Comments" Section

2008-08-26T08:44:00.000-07:00

I've created a file I intend to post on the next Times-Picayune article on someone killed in New Orleans. Every crime article devolves into commentaries on race, public corruption and bleeding hearts in the comments section. I doubt my creation with thwart the tide of idiotic editorials, but hey, it's a start.

Article
Some person was killed in the nth hundred block of [Random Street] in some ghetto neighborhood. NOPD has no motive or suspect. Call Crimestoppers (yeah, right).

Comments
Posted by (Happy_Glad)
I'm just glad that there's one less thug to worry about on the streets. We can all be happy that the city's a little bit safer now. Let the thugs take each other out!

Posted by (White_Racist)
All these black people are ruining the Chocolate City. All black people are criminals and should be exported to the ocean!

Posted by (Black_Racist)
You're an idiot White_Racist. All crimes are committed by white folks. It's just that blacks are the only ones ever arrested.

Posted by (White_Racist)
No, you're the idiot.

Posted by (Black_Racist)
No, you are.

Posted by (White_Racist)
No you are.

Posted by (HolyMaryMotherofGod)
I just pray for the poor victims and their families! Oh, how forlorn the mother must feel! I pray for all victims of crimes because they must all be perfectly innocent!

Posted by (Pundidiot)
Well, I think all the crime in this city is because of [Public Official]'s greed and corruption! It's obvious that he/she is stupid and should be removed from earth! And It's all NOPD's fault too, because they should be able to stop people from even thinking about criminal acts! Get rid of all city officials!

Posted by (SaveTheChildren)
Were any children hurt in this shooting/stabbing/whatever? I hope not. Oh please let our poor fragile soap-bubble kids be okay...(boo hoo blubber blubber)!

Posted by (HurricaneHunter)
How can you people worry about murders and crime when there's a tropical storm in the gulf? We all know that all social ills are Katrina's fault anyway!

...And so on for about 100 posts. Thank you.

The U.S. Must Be Sorely Disappointed

2008-08-12T02:45:00.000-07:00

Check this out! Russian President Medvedev called off Russia's war with Georgia. Just like that. According to the article, President Bush decried the action and said Russia's standing was "substantially damaged" in the rest of the world's view.

Imagine how disappointed ol' Dubya must be. Without any involvement from the United States, two foreign governments managed to handle an international crisis all by themselves! America didn't even get to drop some ordinance or invade a parking lot! And according to this article on MSNBC, it seems that VP Dick Cheney was hankering to do just that. Isn't it simply awful that the American World Police weren't sent to the scene? It seems unthinkable that any war, coup, uprising, barroom brawl or playground slapping match could possibly be resolved without the infinite wisdom of the good old U.S. of A!

Even worse must be the disappointment that our up-and-coming presidential candidates must feel. Either is on the verge of a new drunken binge of power. Plopped into the presidency during the middle of a war between our buddies the Georgians and the not-very-buddyish Russians, both McCain and Obama could have used the opportunity to sell themselves like a used car salesman at a rally of gullible retards. Of note is this Reuter's article in which Obama is quoted as lambasting the Russians for getting all up in Georgia's bubble. Russia "violated the space of another country" (and, you know, the U.S. never does that!). As president, Obama could have so used that war to show what a swell guy he was by never ever sending any troops or planes or tanks or bombs or food or medicine, all the while touting himself to his media entourage as a 'peaceful kinda guy.' It could have been the ultimate reverse 9-11 PR move! Crowds would throw roses at his feet. Well, maybe our buddies the Georgians wouldn't throw many roses; they'd all be dead.

McCain on the other hand, according to the same article, took a "tougher line against Russia than either ...Bush or Obama." Imagine old John up there in the White House, ordering all the planes and tanks and invasions and assassins and medusae and whatnot. After our troops had scoured the land sterile with tank treads and cluster bombs, we'd still have to maintain a "presence" with the military. With Georgia a smoldering husk, the only thing left to do would be to continue fighting Russians. McCain could receive the glory of finally using all those fancy expensive nuclear weapons and America wouldn't ever have to worry about all that tension again.

Yep, it's a sad day for America when some two-bit country like Russia or Georgia manages to settle their problems without our divine benificence. Hmmm, how's our old friends, the Iranians?

Who Knew?

2008-08-11T21:32:00.000-07:00

Stop the presses! An Earth-shattering story has been broken by our friends at Reuter's. Yes, according to this article, a healthy lifestyle reduces the risk of stroke. In other words, a lifestyle that includes a healthy, low-fat diet, regular exercise, no smoking, moderation in alcohol and a healthy weight can actually have positive health results! Why have we never been told this before? I mean, this is BIG!

Up to now, the American Heart Association has advocated just the opposite, haven't they? They've been telling us to maintain a diet of lard scooped out from a can while watching 16 hours of TV a day and chase it down with fifths of bourbon between packs of cigarettes. The Center for Disease Control has been trying to abolish condom use, encourage frequent anonymous sex, never wash hands and actually lick persons suffering from contagious diseases. No doubt this study from Harvard will turn those institutions on their ear!

Who would have thought that what has been termed a "healthy lifestyle" for generations was actually healthy? If you're like me, you probably thought that they used the term "healthy lifestyle" just because they couldn't think of anything else to call it. No, now we actually have a study, with percentages and numbers to prove it! Certainly there has never been a study ever in the past to quantify that low fat, reasonable weight, exercise and moderation in indulgences would have any health benefits whatsoever. Those "warnings" on tobacco and alcohol containers? Up to now, they've just been there because they had extra ink at the label printers they needed to get rid of. "Health food" stores and restaurants? They've only been in business because "health" has been synonymous with "fashionable." Wow, now they're gonna really have to buck up to some actual responsibility with this news.

I'm completely positive that when Dr. Stephanie E. Chiuve applied for the certainly lavish grant to conduct this original study, she had absolutely no idea of the results it would reveal. Such a study (and generous grant) was clearly absolutely necessary since the human race has never had any inkling that healthy habits would result in actual health. In view of this, I'll propose my own study: Does an "unhealthy lifestyle" result in health risks? I can't imagine what the answer might be. Can I have my multimillion dollars in grant money now? The world needs to know.

Alligator Summer

2008-08-01T12:06:00.000-07:00

I can see it brewing. The other day, some kid got his arm eaten by a gator. Now the "wildlife nuisance control" has killed an 11-foot gator in the Bonne Carre Spillway because it "wasn't afraid of humans." Well of course it wasn't afraid of humans; why would it be? If I was an 11 foot long alligator, I wouldn't be afraid of very much at all!

Alligators are receiving quite the media blitz in southeast Louisiana these days. Apparently, the new criteria for wildlife being a danger is directly proportional to its fear of humans. And alligators, brazenly lounging about on the banks of bayous and rivers, are clearly just begging to be shot. If they were afraid of humans, they'd be cowering in caves and staying under the water, not soaking up the sun in plain view, as if they were so many sorority girls on spring break. I'm sure it won't be long before a new crusade is launched to eliminate them from our waterways. Some family and friends of the alligator-bait kid will no doubt start a fund devoted to the extermination of alligators, much like Jefferson Parish's nightly slaughter of nutria. Won't it be ironic then, that just a few years ago, alligators were on the endangered species list, and soon a Hitlerian death-camp order will be the reptiles' destiny?

As wildlife contol officers mention, a creature's fear of humans, or lack thereof, is the determining factor in deciding if said creature is a danger. By this criteria, these officers will have a lot of work to do. Just this morning I was sitting on my balcony when I was accosted by a nuisance animal. A monstrous lizard, at least 5 whole inches long, walked right across the railing, not a foot in front of me! Clearly it has no fear of humans and must be eliminated! I have witnessed on many occasions ducks and geese being fed in City Park, fearlessly waddling right up to people, bold as could be! And some of those people were children! Imagine what could happen if these nuisance poultry aren't dealt with soon! "Child Pecked to Death by Ducks!" would be the headlines on the Times-Picayune.

The mind boggles when imagining all the nuisance wildlife out there. Squirrels harrasing picnickers, pigeons roaming freely in the French Quarter, minnows fearlessly swimming with bathers in Destin - there's danger everywhere you turn! How many times have you witnessed the horrifying sight: a big labrador retriever or a tiny pekingnese or a tabby kittycat waltz right up to some unsuspecting human with no fear whatsoever demanding to be tummy-rubbed or ear-scratched? This fearless nuisance wildlife terrorizing us humans has to end! The wildlife nuisance control officers certainly have their work cut out for them. If only the animals could read their motto on their 4-wheel-drive pickups: "Fear us... or DIE!"

Clearly, We Need More Torture

2008-07-24T19:38:00.000-07:00

It is gratifying to note that the U.S. doesn't violate it's own prohibition against torture without "the specific intent to inflict severe pain or suffering." In other words, practices that appear to be torture really aren't, despite what the ACLU and other bleeding hearts think. If you only wanted to "waterboard" someone to get your sadistic jollies, then that would be torture. But if you're using the waterboard as an "enhanced interrogation technique", then that's ok.

My point is this: since when did this become a problem? The U.S. government has been using "enhanced interrogation techniques" for years. Other countries have been doing so too (just ask John McCain). It's only been an uproar since the freaking ACLU decided that it needed to insert its fingers into the national security pie. Why? It's the American Civil Liberties Union, not the Oh-you-poor-foreigners Civil Liberties Union. If you wanna make sure that my mom isn't being dragged out of her home for a night of waterboarding to be asked about her high-school sweetheart who might have been a communist in the '50's, I'm all about that. But the point is, these aren't Americans we're talking about. They are TERRORISTS! I know, I've railed against calling every foreigner a terrorist, but the fact is that there are indeed terrorists out there. Go take a gander at ground zero in New York if you don't believe me.

Torture, um, that is, enhanced interrogation techniques should be applied to more "high-value detainees" (and to "low-value detainees" for that matter). That way, when they give the information requested and eventually set free by some ACLU-bribed judge, they will be strongly motivated to cease and desist from their anti-American "activities." They will also be less likely to recruit others for the job. And sentence will already have been served, condensed into a few sessions of "enhancement." The CIA gets its info, the detainees go home, justice has been served, and fewer people join the "Let's Kill Americans" extracurricular club. Everybody's happy. Except the ACLU, who will never be happy until anarchy is the order of all things.

The Epitome of Stupid

2008-07-20T04:56:00.000-07:00

This is what pisses me off. I'm a paramedic and ER nurse. Here this man brought a gunshot victim, not to an emergency room, not to a doctor's office, not even to a police station, but to a TV station! Are you kidding me? Why do people do such ridiculous things? Pray tell, what exactly was the man expecting the news station to do? Film her bleeding? According to the report, he was going to "turn himself in" to the police. With that ostensible reasoning, to whom was he planning to speak at the police station - oh wait, NEWS STATION?!
Really? The news? If he was the perpetrator of the shooting, then not only should he be charged with that but also with felony stupidity.
It drives me up an Everest-sized wall when people load the sick and injured into their car and proceed to anywhere BUT where they need to go. I've picked up patients who were IN A CAR but the driver decided that instead of tootling on down to the hospital, they would stop at the Burger King, the gas station, their friend's house, the bank, the car wash, the convenience store or any other random freaking location to decide to call 911. You're in a car! With gas! Why can't you just drive your friend to the ER? WTF? Now you want to get on the news! Seriously? Again, I officially volunteer to be the state euthanasist.

"Nigger" Not a "Real Issue" - Jesse Jackson

2008-07-17T02:47:00.000-07:00

Here we have it folks! Jesse Jackson himself, self-appointed Lord of the Black Americans, apologized for his use of "the n-word" while simultaneously asking Barack Obama et al to focus on the "real issues" affecting black people. Significantly, his statement to focus attention on "real issues" implies that the use of the "n-word" (which we all know is "nigger" and not, say, "nifty") is not a "real issue" that confronts "African-Americans."

Jesse Jackson himself said it! We now have the equivalent of Black Papal Dispensation to use the word "nigger" all we want, whether we are black, white, Asian, Hispanic, Pacific Islander, Native American, or whatever mixture our DNA dictates. This is a great day for Civil Liberties! Finally, an American who truly knows the meaning of the first amendment. Reverend Jackson does truly understand that racial "slurs" are not a "real issue" confronting any Americans today. Nigger nigger nigger! Cracker cracker cracker! Gook gook gook! Not a real problem in terminology. Any problem with this? I refer you to our great Civil Rights leader, Jesse Jackson!

Why even I myself just yesterday used the term "cracker" to refer to a group of folks reported on by CNN. Thank you, Reverend Jackson, for your official permission to use whatever slogans, slurs, opinions or terms I want to refer to members of either my own heritage or that of others. I and our great country have finally come to realize that mere words are not the greatest social ills facing mankind, nor our country. Three cheers for a great patriot!

Gotta Love White Trash

2008-07-16T06:40:00.000-07:00

Wow. Pretty impressive. How did the news reporters get ahold of this little group? I don't know what I like better - the 300-pound dyke mom smoking a cigarette while coddling her kid? The shocking revelation of the 300-pound neighbor harboring a vicious pit bull? The 300-pound teenager giving the finger while admonishing the news people that the incident is "none of your business"? Maybe the little kid bit in the face who's sure to grow up to be a sensation on the drag circuit? Perhaps the on-camera bitch fight is the most fun aspect of the video? Man, it's all so entertaining! Kudos to the journalists that no doubt were camping out in this delightful neighborhood waiting for just such an indulgent story!

By the way, let me get this straight... the 300-pound mom waited till after the news people had interviewed her to pursue her physical assault and tirade against the pit bull-owning neighbor? And initiated that brawl only after the news cameras were already rolling. After she had already talked to the police and apparently not mentioned her son's bite injuries? Wow. I can just hear Jerry Springer talking to his people to get them on the show ASAP. Way to go, crackers!

What's wrong with this picture?

2006-03-08T16:11:00.000-08:00

Does anyone see a problem with this? Here Congress is only willing to spend 1.5 billion on levees for New Orleans. But here Congress wants to spend over 90 billion for the war in Iraq! Granted, pushing up a bunch of dirt to keep the water out must be cheaper than invading a country halfway around the world. But the requested amount was over 3 billion for the levees, and they're only willing to give less than half! But they can't wait to spend 20 times that amount for a project in a place where no one wants them to be and the U.S. presence isn't going to make it any better! New Orleans could sure use a little chunk of that spare change, and we'd appreciate it a hell a lot more than the Iraqis.
Hey! Congress! A little help here, please!

Outsourcing Drive-throughs

2005-03-14T06:19:00.000-08:00

Does anybody else see the problem with this? As if fast food isn't dehumanizing enough, now McDonald's wants us to talk to somebody in North Dakota to place our order for the drive-up window sitting 20 feet from our car! How long will it be before we're talking to Hyderabad, India to order our Happy Meals?
Generally if I simply must have fast food, I find it easier to order exactly what I don't want, then when they screw up the order, which the minions inevitable will, chances are greater that I get what I secretly desired.
If I'm talking to some outsourced thrall in Bumfuck, Egypt to get my food, and the window fool gives me 83 cheeseburgers, extra pickles, then to whom am I going to bitch? The Bumfucktard? No he's a million miles away, plus I'd have to circle back around to the static-y screech box. The window troll? No, the computer screen clearly says 83 cheeseburgers, extra pickles. God forbid he has an original thought. The manager? He's in the "office" masturbating to internet porn, or popping zits, or both.
If you absolutely, truly have no recourse but to resort to fast food, at least maintain what shreds of humanity are left in our society and park your car, get out and walk inside to order like a human should. Please.

Is It Art? Or Just Stupid?

2005-03-10T13:03:00.002-08:00

Apparently someone in Alaska decided to capitalize on something that happens every time you leave your garden hose on when it freezes. John Reese describes himself as a "free-form industrial ice sculptor" because he leaves sprinklers running in the cold.
And to think, thousands have been doing this for free! Yet in the transcript from NPR he says he is the "only person on the planet" who does stuff like this. Tell that to my camellia bush that got decimated because I forgot the sprinker was on during on overnight freeze!
Does it seem to you that people do idiotic things just so they can say they're "the only person on the planet that does this"? I got news for ya buddy; not only are not the only person on the planet that can make outdoor popsicles, but neither do you have the worldwide market cornered on stupidity!

Suspicions Confirmed!

2005-02-27T10:22:00.000-08:00

Surely you've experience the frustration that comes from calling "customer support" for anything. Likely you've hung up the phone exasperated over the useless time you spent dealing with "service" representatives. "That has got to be one of the stupidest people I've ever dealt with!" you thought to yourself.
Now CNN confirms this suspicion. They need software to tell them when the customer is upset. Excuse me, but I've always been able to rely on conversational skills to tell me the mood of the other person, even when I'm talking on the phone. Are these people so shut in that they don't experience conversation with people outside of taking service calls? They need a computer screen to tell them that the person on the phone shouting, crying, swearing at them is upset?
I've always suspected that a leaden intellect is a prerequisite to have a customer service job. Now I know it's true.

CNN.com - Errant bomb falls on hiking trail - Oct 24, 2004

2004-10-25T01:18:00.000-07:00

CNN.com - Errant bomb falls on hiking trail - Oct 24, 2004

Wow. A fake bomb fell on a hiking trail. The crater was a mind-boggling six inches wide! My dick is bigger than that! They grounded the plane and are conducting an "investigation" ('so Joe, what happened?' 'I dunno.'). Why aren't they still looking for the live nuclear weapons that have been lost at sea since the 50's? Or the uranium that is missing from no fewer than three nuclear plants? But lordy, a hunk of iron falls on a trail? One hiker was so close, 'he could hear the thud!' Will he ever recover? I mean, a whole thud! Stop the presses! ('And what is your official position on lost hunks of iron, Mr. Kerry?') Here's mine: WHO CARES?

Why Venus Lost Her Arms

2004-06-08T04:51:00.000-07:00

I am a huge astronomy buff. I read astronomy stuff every day and stargaze in my back yard whenever I can. But if I hear another thing about Venus transiting the sun I'm going to scream! Who cares? It's not going to affect anyone's lives. The only ones with a legitimate interest are esoteric planetary scientists and astronomers. It'd be one thing if this was on just astronomy websites, but this crap is all over CNN, Reuters, and MSNBC! And these are just the news sources I bothered to research! (MSNBC, in their eternal quest for inaccuracy, declared it the "Sight of the Century," when there will, in fact, be yet another transit of Venus a little later this century, in 2012.)

I mean, you can't even look at the sun, Venus or not, without doing damage to your eyes! And who wants to be bothered buying or constructing a "sun-safe" thingamajiggy to look? Here's an idea of what it looks like: blindingly bright ball of nuclear fusion. Now put a pinpint dot on it. Wow. Tell your grandchildren. They'll think you've gone senile.

And so what if it's a once in a lifetime event? A dot in front of the sun? Big freakin' deal! Aren't there other more exciting once in a lifetime events to go ga-ga over? Besides if you ask me, once in a lifetime events are overrated.

Wonderfully Awful Ideas

2004-05-31T02:15:00.000-07:00

Finally! Someone has wised up to the inanity of the "entertainment" industry, where terrible ideas become Hollywood blockbusters. These are some of the best ideas for movies I've seen in ages.

Any other suggestions for bad idea'd movies? How about Titanic 2? Rose realizes she was an idiot for losing that huge damn diamond and goes to buy a cheap-knock off on Ebay. Then she goes to find her equally geriatric former fiance, who's riddled with Alzheimers. He can remember Rose and their engagement, but fortunately not the terrible incidents that transpired after the Titanic's sinking. Impressed with the big-ass "diamond," they get married, she inherits his millions and has a great boob job.She gets a show on MTV with the pilot episode featuring her in a catfight with Anna Nicole Smith. Flashbacks can include her dalliance as a prostitute and the heartache of having those ADHD grandkids.

Maybe we can have Crocodile Dundee 4: Back to the Outback. Paul Hogan moves back to the outback and has a "walkabout," only to catch yellow fever from a mosquito. Delirious with fever and dehydration, he is slowly consumed by a pack of dingoes and dies, forever ending this ridiculous chain of movies.

"Have some fun!"

2004-05-27T05:01:00.000-07:00

Well, the department of Homeland Security has no specifics about anything at all and has no idea how, when or where it might happen, but Americans are being urged to use vigilance in traveling.

What exactly does that mean, 'use vigilance'? Are we supposed to check the sand under our beach chair for incendiary devices? Scope out our hotel room for weapons of mass destruction? Insist that everyone else on our plane to the Bahamas is a terrorist?

Isn't it fascinating that this warning, designed to cause Americans to panic and freak out, is timed so well with the president's campaign's rapid spiral into the abyss? The media must feel truly torn, having to decide whether to jump all over this terror threat warning and drive up their ratings by inciting panic as usual or, in the process of doing so, promote the cause of their self-chosen arch-enemy, George Bush and his administration. Decisions, decisions... Media-driven panic or make Dubya look bad by not reporting it? Oh, the agony!

Mind you, there is no practical value of actual terror threat warnings. Law enforcement can do nothing about it, other than take credit when nothing happens. It't like saying to someone in the heart of Times Square "My presence is keeping the tigers away."
"But there are no tigers in New York," you might reply.
"See, it's working!"

See, our terror threat warnings are keeping out the terrorists!

Videos aren't enough evidence?

2004-05-20T05:11:00.000-07:00

I find it simply incredible that the pictures of the gunmen who shot two out-of-towners last year aren't enough evidence to warrant a trial. These guys were caught on surveillance cameras at a carwash shooting their AK-47's at two guys nearby who were badly wounded. I know, 'cause I was there!

Any moron with one eye and bad vision can see that these are the guys in the video. But according to Judge Arthur Hunter, one of New Orleans' fine paragons of justice, this isn't even enough evidence to warrant a trial! How much more evidence does he want? If that isn't enough to slough off your confidence in our "justice system," I don't know what is.

When the video was discovered and the arrests made, the police were thrilled that they had such a clear-cut case with irrefutable hard evidence. The residents in the neighborhood were overjoyed because these guys were terrorizing the locals. It was a victory for everyone. Now the only victorious ones are the would-be murderers.

Why do we bother having a police department? What is the purpose of the courts? Obviously to give Judge Hunter a forum to release documented criminals back on the street. America! What a country!

Why ever would the US leave Iraq?

2004-05-15T04:54:00.000-07:00

Pretty wild that the U.S. would vacate Iraq if they thought America was unwelcome. What would ever give them that idea? If there's one thing that has characterized the war in Iraq it is the warm and loving welcome that US troops and personnel have recieved by all the Iraqi citizens.

What exactly does Mr. Bremer require to get the hint that US troops are not welcome? Obviously daily attacks on troops and contractors, televised beheadings of Americans and "U.S. get the fuck out" signs don't convey the message clearly enough. It reminds me of the Far Side comic where the couple has to feign death to get their guests to finally leave. There's an idea! Hey all you Iraqis reading this - pick a day and time and everyone just play dead. Believe me, all the invaders, er, sorry, "liberators" will get out quick 'cuz they won't want to have to clean up behind several million corpses!

It's worth a shot!

2004-05-10T13:08:00.000-07:00

I'm not at all creeped out by death or anything, but I do think it's a little wierd to have to store your loved ones till the ground is thawed out enough to bury 'em. I mean, you get all used to the idea of Gramps being dead, only to have to haul him out from the U-Stor-It Death-O-Rama (2nd corpse half-price!) and go through the funeral and actual burial.

Why not have the funeral and all and just pay someone under the table to bury Gramps in the spring, real quiet like? That way there's not the pulled-off scab effect of dealing with it all over again.

Of course, I'm all about cremation! It solves so many problems! You never have to worry about finding a drawer at the morgue for your beloved, they can't exhume the body to see if you killed 'em, and you don't have to re-funeralize them months later if you live in Alaska. As an added benefit, you can cremate 'em right there in the graveyard and the funeral pyre can defrost the ground for the next stiff's burial! And sing campfire songs! 2 birds with 1 stone!

2004-05-08T05:14:00.000-07:00

It's amazing what the human body can do, isn't it? People who can dive over 500 feet on a single breath, go for a mile-long swim in Antarctica or climb into the rarified air of Mt. Everest without oxygen! Incredible!

My question is Why? Why would anyone ever want to try any of those things? And how did you find out you could do them? Sounds like these feats started out as a drunken dare in college. Moreover, once you figure out you can pull off something like climbing Everest without oxygen, why would you go and do it again? This guy's climbed it 5 times, plus 12 other peaks! Did you get the part about the strongman's regimen? "Training 12 hours a week and putting away 25 pounds of beef and 14 supplement shakes every seven days." Gross! I can't imagine being willing to choke down that much cow and protein sludge just to be able to pick a wad of lead. And I barely want to do something that feels good for 12 hours a week, let alone pumping iron and tearing ligaments!

And it's not as if these are useful talents or anything. I might be more impressed by the guy who climbed the mountain to look for the cure for cancer, or who swam to Antarctica to rescue a stranded lifeboat crew. But these folks accomplishments are the athletic equivalent of being the trivia champion. I guess that's ok, but who cares?

2004-05-05T16:20:00.000-07:00

Terrific! The service industry is growing! This means more jobs are available for the unemployed public!

But what does it really boil down to? If the service industry is growing, then what collateral shrinkage in the jobs market is occuring? Well, now that we have more positions available for waiters, hotel porters, check-out girls, bartenders and delivery people, those jobs will have to be filled by fresh college graduates or those who have been downsized right out of their professional career .

Yes, all those years of work, studying and brown-nosing will reap their huge reward when you get that coveted job at the grill in the Chik-Fil-A in the mall! Just think of all those $1 tips you'll rake in hauling luggage up to hotel rooms (which, incidentally, are being rented by your former co-workers on all-expense-paid junkets). And just imagine the stimulating conversations you'll have with your co-workers! In addition to other college grads bitching about their lot in life, you'll work side by side with the unskilled and uneducated working hard to get enough money to buy their next crack rock or bling-bling accessory for their baby-daddy!

America! Land of opportunity!

2004-05-02T04:48:00.000-07:00

Mid-air meditation? An interesting idea. Especially in the wonderful world up in the sky, a little tranquility and peace would be a welcome relief from the unrelenting hassles of squashed seats, late landings, lost luggage and surly stewardesses. Maybe more airlines should offer such appointments.

My concern comes from the vehemence with which the unnamed Air Sahara official extols this service. He says, "believe you me, those who are meditating will become completely oblivious of what the passenger on the next seat is doing.” I'm not sure that while traveling in buzz tube 35,000 feet up I want to be that unaware of what's going on around me. What if I'm so lost in my inner Nirvana that I'm unable to open the emergency exit? Besides, what anesthetic gasses are they pumping in to guarantee this bliss?

And what about the other passengers who may not want to participate? All the meditators may find their peaceful place, but what if it drives some borderline personality disorder passenger over the edge and he gets all psycho over the chanting and lotus positions? I'm not sure that Air Sahara thought this idea through all the way.

2004-04-23T22:25:00.000-07:00

The virus that causes the common cold may be a "hit and hide" virus. It may create a cold then hide in the body for weeks. Some people may act as carriers of it, like a modern Typhoid Mary.

And...?

I mean, whaddya want us, the workaday public, to do about it? There's no cure or vaccine for the cold. We already know how to minimize spreading disease (wash your hands, don't sneeze snot on everybody). Now what? Will this information help us disease-ridden individuals out here in the real world? I can't think of any way it would.

Must our brains be inundated with useless information masquerading as "news"? I can't think of a single reason that this story needed to be published. Doctors get their information from JAMA and medical sources, not MSNBC. I feel for the poor unsuspecting masses who will read this and think they learned something, but in reality there's nothing there that is of any benefit whatsoever. Of course, these are the same people who obsess over things like Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey.

2004-04-21T05:01:00.000-07:00

Well, here's a frightening little tidbit for all you travelers out there. Everyone knows that you shouldn't think too hard about who's been in your hotel room before you, much less what they were doing. The AP has gone and quantified those subconscious fears by telling us what the dirtiest items in that mysterious hotel room are.

The grodiest object? The remote. Of course it is, because the weirdo who was there before you was flipping between porn channels with one hand while alternately spanking the monkey and gnawing pork rinds with the other. If they're still interested in finding weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, why not go put a few Iraqi hotel remotes in a Petri dish. I'm sure that shit'd qualify as a WMD.

Enjoy your summer vacation. Bring body condoms!

2004-04-19T23:41:00.000-07:00

I feel better already! Thank God NORAD has had these preparations for hijacked aircraft. I can see that their preparations did wonders. One good thing about our government's preparations, they refuse to name the building that the "hijackers" in the exercise were to crash into. That's good, protect the innocence of the building. I'm sure it would be emotionally scarred otherwise.

No wonder their little plot wouldn't work: the 9/11 hijackers flew the planes into the wrong buildings! The one building that NORAD had planned to defend against wasn't the Pentagon or the World Trade Center. Does anyone else see a problem here? Wouldn't it make sense that NORAD's plans would be a tad bit more flexible? Is it not possible to train responses based on ideas rather than exact scenarios? It seems that the current ideology doesn't seem to leave a lot of leeway in preparations. I mean, after all, what if the wind is blowing from the south on the crucial day instead of the west? Or what if there are women hijackers instead of men? Have they prepared for that? I doubt it. It is not possible to prepare for every contingency, yet that is what the government seems bound and determined to spend our tax dollars on doing. Well, at least they can protect the innocence of the buildings.

2004-04-18T13:26:00.000-07:00

I think this is a fabulous idea! Jesse Jackson negotiating for hostages. Because, you know, perennially running for president based on rhymey slogans and international hostage negotiations are practically the same thing.

What's really great is that he, a religious representative of the The Great Satan who has a large constituency of infidels wants to confer with none other than the religious leaders in Iraq. Yes the very leaders who instigate the rage and hate against the Great Satan, America, in the first place! What irony! You can't pay for this kinda stuff!

Possibly most telling is his advanced plan for contacting the necessary parties: "They watch CNN." That's so awesome! He's relying on some Muslim cleric in Iraq to be sitting there in his living room, toking on his hookah and happens to flip to CNN just as they're broadcasting Jesse's "appeal"! I hope he's not in the bathroom or something at the crucial instant. Wouldn't it suck for Jesse if the cleric's cable was out that day? Or if he had just gone to the fridge to get some leftover hummus? Good luck, Jess!

2004-04-06T21:22:00.000-07:00

Of course nobody wants to buy software from a kiosk in the middle of a CompUSA. Remember the reason they're coming into CompUSA or wherever to begin with? These are the fucking idiots who can't figure out how to set up their e-mail or install a program. They're the ones who called you and said "I just bought such-and-such a computer" and then read off the feature list to you from the side of the box. "Is that a good one?"
Who's going to go into a store and then order something off a computer in the store? They could have ordered the software off the internet at home, if they had any sense. They come into the store because they haven't figured out the whole internet/digital thing yet. Their universe is made up of bricks and mortar, concrete and glass, wood and plastic. The concept of access to the world via GUI is simply way too much for them, too intangible and nebulous.
Figure it out, SoftwareToGo. Virtual sales in a brick-and-mortar store is far too incongruous for the ilk of people who are likely to venture there.

2004-03-12T20:20:00.000-08:00

Are entomologists really worries about bug noises? This article seems to describe growing concern over an exceptionally large brood of cicadas, the "locusts" that fill summer and autumn nights with their buzzing from the trees. Why are they so concerned? The cicadas don't eat leaves, destroy crops, spread disease, summon demons or cause vandalism. They just buzz. I guess the entomologists were so fascinated with their communications or eating habits that they just never got around to napping in a hammock, lulled to sleep by the background noise of the cicadas. I say we find a way to have a cicada bumper crop every year!

2004-03-02T14:40:00.000-08:00

I can foresee a whole new legal market opening up - that of lawsuits from people who buy wrecked cars from the U.S. and then sue the previous owner, the junkyard the insurance company and the guy who does the buying and shipping when the cars explode or the brakes fail or the radio causes deafness or whatever. You just know that if members of our litiginous society were engaging in such a practice, such lawsuits would be shot around left and right.
Apparently, at least for the time being, these Central Americans are happy with their totaled BMW's and Mercedes. Just wait till these rebuilt vehicles fall apart in some Nicaraguan jungle and the driver gets post-traumatic stress from being ambushed by cocaine smugglers. All because the jury-rigged vehicle he was in didn't come with a warning label: "Caution! This previously wrecked vehicle may cause death, mayhem and destruction of you, your family and assorted bystanders on the sidewalk. Rebuild at your own risk."

The Passion of The Christ to see what all the hubbub was about. I'm still trying to figure out what all the hubbub was about. As you've certainly heard, there's no shortage of gore in this flick. It gets to the point that it's almost laughable. Particularly creepy is the scene where Mary kisses Jesus' feet while he's hanging on the cross. She comes away like a film vampire, her lips stained with blood. Ew.
If you're going to see TPOTC, I'd strongly recommend that you read the book first. I mean, at least read the gospels so you can get an idea of the whole point, because the movie delivers none. For instance, why did the Jewish priests and leaders hate Jesus and want him dead? Some of the irrelevant flashbacks might have been better used to expose Jesus' history with the priests and how they viewed him as a threat to their authority.
I did like that the film was entirely in Aramaic and Latin, eliminating all the silly accents and King James Bible thee's and thou's. In addition, I thought Satan was a nice touch, if I can say that, along with his little celebratory dance at Jesus' death. He was appropriately icky.
As for anti-Semitism, I can only say that I wish the film had a point as concrete as that. I left the theater with the visions of blood and ripped flesh in my brain without any idea why it was there. Anti-Semitists will still be anti-Semitists after seeing it, and non-anti-Semitists will be no different either. Non-believers and non-Christians will leave the theater knowing no more about Jesus Christ that they did when thay walked in.

2004-02-25T10:05:00.000-08:00

Sports Illustrated's Swimsuit Edition is now a crime. This kid got busted doing what millions of kids have been doing since the Swimsuit Edition first graced Americas shelves. Showing his friends. Big deal. I wonder how many of the teachers and officials at his school did the exact same thing? Only he gets suspended.
The principal said he had never seen the Swimsuit Edition before and was shocked. Yeah, right! Give us all a break! You get racier pop-up ads and spam on the internet. To think that this poor kid has to undergo the hassle of getting suspended (or the alternative - 2 days at the school for bad kids) is ridiculous.
When I was a 12, someone brought a Hustler to class. It made the rounds while the teachers back was turned until someone got busted with it. Were there any suspensions? Sentences to the bad kid's school. Visits to the principal? Scourgings and lashings? No. The magazine was simply taken away by the teacher and never seen again. I'm sure the teacher is still whacking off to Hustler today.
People brought the Swimsuit Edition all the time. It was openly shared. The teachers and coaches would take their turn gazing at the pages and then pass it on to one of us. It was encouraged (probably because I was at an all-boys school)! Be thankful your kid is reading the Swimsuit Edition instead of Modern Satanism. Go out and buy him a new pack of Kleenex.

2004-02-21T15:08:00.000-08:00

Well, here's two more kids who are gonna die thanks to the intervention of American surgeons who decided to do a little human experimentation. Haven't they learned yet? These poor kids don't live through these separation surgeries! What's the point? If they just left them alone they'd probably have a better chance. And if they died of their conjoined-ness, they're still no worse off than after their “treatments” with these Dr. Frankensteins who have God complexes.
Besides this, how many hundreds of thousands of dollars are being spent on the survival of the weakest, when this same money could be used for hundreds or even thousands of people who could actually benefit from its use? If they want to medically help people, how ‘bout giving a few thousand doses of vaccines or vitamins or antibiotics?
Wanna know why they don’t? Because you don’t get your name in medical journals and announced on the news when you give out vaccinations all day. When you try a high profile stunt like chopping apart conjoined twins, you get all the fame and accolades and tenureship at universities. And when the twins die? “Unavoidable complications.” Betcha the complications could have been avoided by not trying such a hopeless experiment to begin with!

2004-02-20T15:12:00.000-08:00

According to this report, there is a problem with the government censoring information from scientific findings in the spirit of Cold War Soviet Russia. Now this isn't especially hard to believe, given the recent revelation that "misinformation" on WMD's in Iraq was all the CIA's fault and not the administration's doing at all whatsoever, honest to goodness.
The scary thing is: what information are we not hearing about?
There could be little green Martians crawling all over Spirit and Opportunity, but do we see any of those pictures? No way. Is there a simple cure for cancer, diabetes and warts? Maybe, but we don't have that data. Perhaps it's the government censoring of data that limits what meteorologists can tell us, resulting in the wildly inaccurate "forecasts" we get. And you just know we're not getting the full story on marijuana use.
So now anytime we see news of scientific breakthroughs we'll have to wonder, as Paul Harvey says, about the rest of the story.

2004-02-20T09:43:00.000-08:00

No Big loss.

2004-02-18T20:34:00.000-08:00

I know that this flu thing is a big huge deal, epidemiologically speaking. But please can someone come up with a better name than H5N1? Maybe the "sexy flu"? Or the "death fever"? "Melting eye syndrome"? Anything would be cooler than H5N1, which sounds like a math formula.

2004-02-17T04:52:00.000-08:00

Presidential hopeful John Kerry poked fun at President George Bush's presence at the Daytona 500 race the other day. Now I don't have much opinion on politics, or John Kerry, or George Bush or even car racing for that matter. But I do know style when I see it. And let me say that Kerry's style was just plain poor. Was he really taking issue with Bush's efforts to stay in touch with the American people? Do the people really want someone who stays holed up in an office day and night pondering policies and economic strategies? What will Kerry have to say when Bush participates in the annual White House Easter egg hunt this year? If Kerry gains the Presidency, will he have the Easter tradition and all other public "fun" appearances banished so he can meditate on national issues? Will he decline to throw out the first ball of the season so he can discuss foreign policy? Will he just say no to lighting the White House Christmas tree because his presence is needed at a Cabinet meeting? I hardly think so.
Regardless of what the public thinks of the President's politics, it is still an office rooted in "by the people, for the people." The people like race cars and Easter and so on. A leader who loses touch with those whom he leads is no leader at all.

2004-02-14T21:16:00.000-08:00

According to Representative Joe Pitts (R-Pa), "it is unethical to tinker with human life," he said in reference to human cloning. This was sparked by the recent news that scientists in Korea had managed to clone humans, forming embryonic blastocysts from which stem cells could be extracted.
Now I'm not saying I'm in favor of human cloning, but his comment raises numerous gray-area questions. After all, what consists of 'tinkering with human life'? What about other forms of medical research, such as human drug testing, or experimental surgical techniques? In attempting such high-risk procedures such as removing the extra head from that child in the Dominican Republic, it would be difficult to come up with a term other than 'tinkering,' given that the surgery had never been performed before on a patient like her, in addition to the fact the child didn't survive, which is no better an outcome than had the procedure never been attempted.
What about human testing of new drugs? How is that not tinkering? Oh, that's right, those people receive monetary compensation, so the almighty dollar makes everything OK. Besides I'm sure our representatives aren't complaining about the human tinkering that went on to result in their Viagra prescriptions!
Oddly, two of the scientists in Korea said they were the target of violence, even though they were engaging in research for disease treatment and not in reproductive cloning. It seems to me that if there were to be an acceptable use of cloning, it would be reproductive cloning, perhaps for couples who couldn't have kids. Such embryos wouldn't be destroyed, but allowed to mature, then nurtured and loved. Why is there such vehemence against that?
I think those who make these sweeping statements should evaluate their own ideas before embracing or decrying any new research.

2004-02-14T08:15:00.000-08:00

It was reported that Google, the online search engine, is hampering free speech. Non-profit group Oceana bought ads out on Google linking clickers to websites denouncing Royal Caribbean because of its problems with pollution, which Google pulled later, sayind they didn't want ads defaming the cruise line.
Google is a privately held company. It is their right to exclude ads they don't want. How is this inhibiting freedom of speech? Google is not campaigning against Oceana, trying to get a cease-and-desist order out on them. Google does not receive federal funds, obligating it to comply with First Amendment rights. It is not a school, forming the minds of the future leaders of the world. It is a private website company, with full discretion over how they want to run their business.
If, for example, someone submits something to my website, BurningTiger, that I don't want on there, I have full editorial discretion to not put up. I'm not violating anyone's rights. They can putit up somewhere else.
Oceana has its own website promoting their interests. If they want Google to display their website, why not design their website and pay the search engines so that it pops up higher in search results? Do they really believe that simply buying an ad entitles an entity to anything they want? Remember that freedom of speech rights apply to Google too, giving them the discretion to say what they want on their website, and judging from the ridicuous opinions so proliferate today, some things are better left unsaid.

2004-02-12T13:50:00.000-08:00

Finally, Barbie and Ken, childhood's most obnoxious couple, are splitting up! It's about freakin' time. That bitch has been using the boy long enough. Who do you think has been paying for all the fancy dream houses, Barbie cars, jewelry, hair and outfits? Poor Ken! And do you think he ever got a piece of ass? Of course not! Despite all the perverted positions and whatnot we used place those two in when we were kids, the poor boy never got a nut. He doesn't have any! She's the ultimate cocktease, leading him on when she knew perfectly well he wasn't getting anywhere. Now we know where women learn that stuff - it's designed into their toys!
Now supposedly she's off to have a wild affair with Blaine the Australian surfer dude. Typical female. Here's some advice Blaine: RUN!
Where's Ken gonna go now? Probably off to come out of the closet and have that long sought-after affair with G.I Joe. Of course, don't ask, don't tell, Joe! But I guess we all suspected it of Ken all along. Besides, being with that bitch is enough to drive anyone over the fence!

2004-02-10T16:35:00.000-08:00

Reuter's reports that France's ban on religious items in schools may also result in compulsory attendance to sex education classes (which some students find offensive) and comply with class programs in history focusing on the Holocaust (which some students, and others, deny happened).
My problem is not the specifics of these attitudes. In fact I applaud the students having such deeply held beliefs and passions, whatever they are. My question is: why can't American students have some damn beliefs? Who decides what they're going to believe? Television and the ACLU. And by "beliefs" I don't mean kids whining over other kids not understanding them because they're gay or black or whatever. Boo freakin' hoo. What do kids worry about? Their friends liking them? What happened on "The Real World"? Partying? You never hear about American kids having real opinions on real issues. Check out their blogs if you don't believe me.
These French students are reacting to real issues, ones that affect the whole community, now and in the future when these schoolkids grow up and start running the world. Whatever their ideas may be, right or not, at least they have them!

2004-02-08T05:10:00.000-08:00

I was determined not to write about the Super Bowl/Janet Jackson/Boob fiasco, but now that coverage of this stupidity is taking up precious space on my AvantGo subscription, I must air my complaints.
MSNBC reported on Feb. 7 that the FCC has received more than 200,000 complaints about the "wardrobe malfunction." An overwhelming number? Not really, when you consider that this number makes up less than 1% of the American population. At any given time, I'm sure you can find way more than this percentage who are pissed off about something else (and something way more worthwhile).
The same article also reported that the Parent's Television Council has counted more than 24,000 complaints. Again this is less than one one-hundreth of a percent of the nation! Who cares? Just because these loudmouths have nothing better to do than gripe to entities who can't do anything about it, do the rest of us have to suffer their woes? I mean really, what are the FCC and the Parents Television Council going to do about a 2 second breast flash that happened last week? Have their kids truly been that traumatized by the event? I'm sure they don't run screaming every time one of these God-fearing moms whips out her own boob to feed little Junior.
While we're at it, has anyone called anybody to bitch about the streaker that presented himself on the field of the Super Bowl? I mean, that was full frontal freakin' nekkidness, but nobody's whining about that. What gives? Even if it didn't make it to national TV, did anyone indignantly leave the stadium, fragile rugrats in tow, demanding their money back? Is there a huge campaign underway by the Bowl-goers to file complaints to the NFL, AFC, Budweiser, GoldenPalace.com and the Department of Homeland Security? I didn't think so. Rather, "delight and hilarity" was the order of the moment, according to this source.
Besides, if you consider the way TV has been going the last decade or so, everyone knows that sooner or later, everything will be on broadcast television. Boobs, butts, genitalia, gay sex, and cuss words. Get used to it. Or find something else to do. Please.

2004-02-07T10:56:00.000-08:00

Well, the latest patient to suffer from craniopagus parasiticus has died. No not by natural causes, but because of the perpetuation of modern medicine's insistence on attempting to thwart Darwinian rules. Charles Darwin gave a name to what everybody kinda knew already, namely that it is the fittest who survive. After all, who wants the genes of the weakest being passed down to future generations?
But modern medicine does not want to acknowledge this basic precept, instead spending billions of dollars and man-hours striving for survival of the weakest. It is hopeless cases like these that medicine spends the most time and effort on; this girl's parents couldn't afford the $100,000 surgery, so who do you think is paying for it? The article doesn't say anything about that. I guarantee you that it is you and I who are being overbilled on our insurance premiums to pay for this little doomed experiment.
Otherwise, just look at the countless dollars being spent on keeping vegetables alive, housing and "treating" the insane, and the work to keep alive people with hopeless conditions from cerebral palsy to renal failure. While these incurables get big wads of cash flung at them for "research" and "treatment" (yeah, right), reasonably healthy people like me have to go without regular checkups because I can't afford the co-pay on my insurance plan!
The newest craze: survival of the weakest. Darwin is spinning in his grave.

2004-02-06T16:43:00.000-08:00

Now we hear that Yahoo! is planning on selling music. I guess that projects like this and iTunes and the new and "improved" Napster are an OK compromise in the RIAA's ongoing megalomaniacal aspirations to make money from every note that the human ear can hear (any ear, everywhere). My reason for supporting the peer-to-peer networks on which one can download all those illegal files for free is basically - you get what you pay for. If the RIAA would find and promote some artists that might be worth listening to, people would be more inclined to pay for their music. Instead we have music from overhyped, undertalented "artists" like the lip-syncing queen Britney Spears and couldn't-be-a-bad-boy-if-he killed-someone Justin Timberlake as well as Ja-Rule, C-Murder and other alphabetically enhanced idiots.
While these artists continue to be paid incomes greater than the national budget of some nations, (by the way, where does that money come from?) the undiscovered independent artists who actually create quality music from scratch, no less, languish in the backwater venues and have to work odd jobs to make ends meet. What is ironic is that these quality artists are the ones who often don't mind having their work downloaded for free in the interests of simply promoting themselves and getting it "out there."
99 cents a download for the latest from Jessica Simpson? Fine, I guess. I just hope you get your change. otherwise, go to http://www.iuma.com/